148: The Best Way to Help People Going Through What You've Already Overcome

Hi, and welcome back to Reclamation Radio. I am Dr. Kelly Brogan. And one of the things that I love about my containers is that the women I attract always have audacious questions to ask me. So it's my intention for the musings that I share on these topics to grow the permission field of what's possible and also to offer relatable reframes that can jailbreak you from your victim stories. So you might notice that I'm a bit more familiar and free when I'm answering these questions in our private spaces. So take a listen and enjoy. I have two clients who are also friends who are leaving their husbands. Ever since I read the book, The Empowered Wife, I wish I could have known this when I was still married and not 11 years post-divorce. I feel really sad that these women are making this decision before reading this book, but I can't find a good time to mention it. And I feel like it's maybe not my place to bring it up. So what I think we're all collectively struggling with, and this is something I have personally dealt with, is what do we do with our wisdom? Like, what do we do with our resources? What do we do with our information? And what's actually like the anatomy of that is like, I didn't know. And now I know. And now I know. And with that knowing comes the discomfort of the reality that I also was the person who didn't know. So that version of me is like, I know you're not saying this, but I think it's possible we feel this is bad and wrong and doing it wrong. And this version of me gets it now. And so, you know, I would really like to only experience this good version of me and not the bad version of me. So the people around me who remind me of the bad version of me, let's say, I would really prefer to convert them. I was like, this is kind of like, it's possible that this is what's going on for all of us. I, my like handyman was telling me that he was getting a divorce and he did not, he doesn't not, did not, does not, whatever, want it. And he, I don't think, I don't think he actually asked me for help. Like he might've just been sharing that. However, I did the thing I often do, which is I provided my perspective on resources And I said listen like consider like sharing this podcast Laura Doyle Empowered Wife podcast with her and just see because I no longer um and and this is not meant to offend anybody who is a couples counselor. Um, but I no longer, um, like enthusiastically supportive of couples counseling, having participated in it quite extensively because of this woman's work. And she really believes if you don't know, uh, those of you don't know, and I've recorded some podcasts referencing her work, but she really believes that it's the woman's, that the woman is empowered to change the dynamic. And that when she surrenders and submits herself and offers all of herself to this man, that he will invariably and inevitably rise into his capacity and potential as a husband that she actually wants. But it requires like getting in our lane and it requires that you cut a zip it. It requires that you focus on yourself and it requires that you recognize when you're helping and you're caring and your support is actually control masquerading as, you know, benevolence, right? So I, um, I have been like referencing and doling this out left and right for the same reason, because, um, I now understand, I feel the potential of marriage in a way that I didn't before. I mean, I, in my practice for 10 years, had almost a 90, over a 90% divorce rate from beginning to end of work with me. And that's for understandable reasons, right? The women come in one consciousness and they leave in another. And then they look around the terrain of their lives and they're like, I didn't actually electively choose any of this consciously. So I'm going to burn it all down and start over. That made sense to me. And it's not like I was like an advocate for divorce. However, I recognized like, okay, I guess that's not working. start over. And through my own personal experience, especially when you have children with somebody, I have developed like a lot of curiosity about what could have been possible in my relationship with the father of my children, had I known these principles then. That is so uncomfortable because there so much of a sense of wrongness and guilt that comes with that So naturally I going to I feel less of that if I can translate that into usefulness and worthiness in somebody else eyes who struggling with the same thing Does that make sense So like I have this guilt which is basically a self recrimination around having been bad and wrong before I knew better which is an illusion right Because I was not bad and wrong then and I'm not good now, right? Right. This is a process that I think is by design, you know, to come into the experience of awareness. Like the waking up from the dream is that sensation is actually potentially what I'm in it for. Right. So that guilt, who knows, you know, how old that guilt is and it's just latching onto this scenario. But I don't really have to feel that guilt so much if I can spin gold out of the shit. right? Like if I can make useful my journey, we, we do this. And we think that was such a great thing that you're like, you know, turning your suffering and your struggle into helping others and coaching others and whatever. Like that's again, like very common path. And I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying it's potentially the case that sitting with the guilt, sitting with the part that believes that I failed and I should have known better as if there's such a thing as should have. I did what I did because it made sense to me in the consciousness that I was, you know, in at the time. And the feeling of having lost something that I could have potentially saved. Wow. Look at this theme is profound. And I often rest in, I don't know where I first heard this, but I often rest in this potential truth that you actually can't lose something that you're meant to keep. So what if you actually can't lose something that you are meant to keep. If that's true, which I actually believe it possibly could be true, right? Like if that's true, then what occurred was meant to and what will occur for these women. It's like, it's written perhaps, you know, and how she comports herself during the divorce process, how she comports herself in general could be, you know, again, something that adjusts her own path to some extent. But I think the way to introduce this work is to simply talk about how it inspired you And not just like with remorse and regret right Like this work about how to you know I call it and this is the podcast I recorded and the work with men, you know, like this work is, it's about marriage, yes, but it's also just about like, how do we come into our grace and power as women? How do we perhaps even act as wife to every man, right? That's what my coach Omrapani is working with me on, right? So it's an archetype that you learn to embody and it is the primary one that you bring to your partnership. However, there's so much power in this as we're seeing like, you know, this you can bring to how you interact with everybody because it's actually a respectful way to interact with others that isn't led by your own fear and avoidance of your inner world, your inner terrain and your personal responsibility. responsibility. So, you know, I, I certainly don't think it's about like, not your place or your place. If you want to share like something inspirational that's happening through this woman's work and like, you know, suggest like the possibility that it could be interesting for these women, whether or not they go through with the divorce. I think it's one of those options that I laid out, right. It's like, or you could, you could be like, listen, your experience is bringing up all sorts of stuff for me. And there is, you know, a terrain within me that is, um, still metabolizing my choice to end my marriage. And this work has been a part of helping me to experience that, you know, that, that guilt that lives in me, um, more fully. So like, I wonder if you, if you'd want to know more about it, you know, I wonder if you'd be curious. So I think it's a beautiful thing to share this, to share work that changes the game, you know. And when it comes from a place of like this inspired me, like a thank you body place, right? Like versus like a protesting the man place where I'm just thinking my own work. It's held with such a different energy. And I think that's probably very possible here. you