131: How to Tell If You’re Being Discerning Or Judgmental

Hi, and welcome back to Reclamation Radio. I am Dr. Kelly Brogan. And what I love about my containers is that the women I attract always have some audacious questions to ask me. So it's my intention for the musings that I share on these topics to grow the permission field of what's possible and also to offer relatable reframes that can jailbreak you from your victim stories. So you might notice that I'm a bit more familiar and free when I'm answering these questions in our private spaces. So take a listen. And I hope you'll take the opportunity to submit your questions to me in my membership Vital Life Project. And today's audacious ask is about discernment. She says, I'm wondering if you have any thoughts about the distinction between being more discerning when it comes to allowing people into your life who are supportive and loving and being inflexible or judgmental. This is a great question. This is a very active process for me where I feel like some of the seemingly linear aspects of my journey are pretty archetypal. And that's why I offer them not to say this is how it is, but to say like, could this be also true for you? And I know that for me, it was very essential in my lived life and remains essential why I continue to, you know, create the space for Vital Life Project, for example, to offer my nervous system a signal of safety by surrounding myself with people who share my values and my understanding of the world And I have come to better understand like why it should matter right Why does it matter So I in a moment of my life after having not watched TV for literally a decade literally movies, TV, nothing, where I've gotten really into these like warrior shows. And I don't know why, except that I trust my impulses and I follow them even when they make no sense. So, and I was recommended these shows by some of my girlfriends anyway. So I watched Outlander and then I watched Last Kingdom. And first of all, the programming is very interesting, especially around cosmology and astronomy and also germ theory is big time in there. Nonetheless, and I'm sure there's all sorts of historical programming. That's nonsense. Nonetheless, the male leaders of these tribes, if you will, these like collectives have a very particular skill set, which is that they are so embodied. I mean, they're warriors, right? So they're embodied and they are so embodied that the ones who are trusted the most by men and women alike are trusted because they have the capacity to discern deception, betrayal, and who it is that can be trusted, who it is that is an ally, right? This is a nervous system phenomenon. It is not an intellectual phenomenon. And I have witnessed people in my own life whose nervous systems are insufficiently healed. And so, you know, not that there's like a destination of healing, but so that they get triggered, they lose their center and they lose their capacity to understand what is true So I would say that people who got wrapped up into partisan politics around the pandemic for example would be an example of that There are you know the many tales of people who cannot even engage in truth related conversations because they get their panties in such a bunch. Okay. So there is a capacity that you will grow. We will all grow. That is like that, where you can start to feel in your body, yes, this person is an ally or yes, this person is somebody that I can trust. You're just gonna feel it. It's not gonna be a checklist, right? That you go down. And it's that, you wouldn't be here if that experience of safety, it was not important for you, right? I mean, it's arguably important for everyone, but actually for some people, the safety comes through connection at all costs. And for others, like for me, that sense of safety comes from like, can I trust your discernment? Can I relax a little bit around you? Because I know that you are feeling this is off over here, right? We both are feeling something's off over there, right? So you're going to start to feel. And then I would encourage you to consider the possibility that people play different roles in your life, right? So if you are to expand your circle of social engagement, right? You might find like, here are my two, three people who I vibe on that level, that deep nervous system safety level. But does that mean you only interact with those people, right? You might, right? Like I have women in my life who use the word COVID which I literally never use use the word pandemic literally don even say the word without the L and you know who I just not interested in educating That just not I'm not compelled by that. Okay. And they might be, you know, somebody that I, for example, like garden with or somebody that I dance with or somebody who's like really fun to go shopping with somebody who's fun to explore like a new neighborhood or go on like a new nature adventure with, right? So you might find that people serve different roles in your life. And that is actually, you know, healthy transactional relating. What do they offer me? What do I offer them? And remember lastly, when it comes to judgment, that it's always a mirror, right? So when you are feeling judgmental, totally cool. Don't reject that part. It's there for a reason. How might you put it into words, what it is that you're judging, right? Like, oh, this person is so stupid that I just don't even get it. How can I make contact with the moments where I have actually felt stupid and been so ashamed of that, that I literally suppress the experience? Like, how can I reach out a hand to the stupid part inside of me, the part that believes that I too am stupid and invite that part out of the shadows and own it? Yeah, I can be too. In fact, I probably have many areas of my life where I am, you know, being stupid right now, literally. So that's another like sort of opportunity.