166: If You Always Need to "Be Right" As Woman, You Need to Hear This

Maybe you're doing a lot right. You're working out, you're eating decently, and still your body feels puffy, your hair feels thinner, and your skin feels creepy. You were taught to call that aging, but I am choosing not to. I don't believe that beauty is vanity. I believe it's a hobby. It's a skill. It's something that you can practice and learn at any age. So I'm hosting a free beauty backroom event for midlife women who are ready to glow up and feel leaner, stronger, and more radiant than they have perhaps in their entire life. I will be sharing exactly what I've done over the past couple of months to do just that. So if 2026 is your rebrand year, come play with me. KellyBrokenMD.com forward slash BB. Hi, and welcome back to Reclamation Radio. I am Dr. Kelly Brogan. And one of the things that I love about my containers is that the women I attract always have audacious questions to ask me. So it's my intention for the musings that I share on these topics to grow the permission field of what's possible, and also to offer relatable reframes that can jailbreak you from your victim stories. So you might notice that I'm a bit more familiar and free when I'm answering these questions in our private spaces. So take a listen and enjoy. Today's audacious ask is, I'd love to know how I can work on the need to be right. This is a very, very effective strategy. It's a very effective strategy. When you are raised in victim consciousness, you do not want to be caught on the villain, you know, angle of the triangle. You can be on the victim or the rescuer. And of course, they're all victims, right? But you can't be on the villain, right? You can't be on the villain side because the villain gets punished The rescuer doesn get punished and the victim doesn get punished supposedly right So most of us grew up with finger pointing and blaming and the projection of badness and wrongness because our parents didn ever learn and couldn model for us what it is to wear the veil and crown right What it is to own our shadows what it is to recognize that we are prismatic beings who are full of dark and full of light That was not a thing when we were growing up So the way that you escaped consequences, punishment, and loss of love was to be right. I have litigator level skills. I am not trained as an attorney. I have litigator level skills for argumentative, whatever, engagement and strategy from my upbringing. That's actually where I cut my teeth, right? like that, it's from growing up in my household, I learned how to, you know, always carry with me a ledger of, I observe everything, right? Like everything, everywhere I go, it's a trauma response. I observe everything. I'm always taking notes. I'm always keeping this ledger because I might need that information at some point. This is a poison to an intimate relationship because this is the psychology, psycho-emotionality of a zero-sum game, of a win-loss. And the trouble is that intimacy cannot ever be cultivated in a culture of a zero-sum game. It's just not possible. So if what it is that you want with your partner is intimacy, meaning a sense of belonging, a resolution to that, you know, aloneness that plagues us once the umbilical cord is cut, right? If that's what you're after in your dynamic, let alone if you're curious about, you know, the sacred technology of a man-woman dyad and, you know, what it is to circulate energy, you know, between a man's body system and a woman's body system and to create an orbit in these two systems. It's literally a fucking free energy device, okay? Actually, the man-woman diet. If you're curious about that, then submission and surrender are essential masteries In fact my teacher Amr Pani says that the submissive woman archetype is right next to the wife archetype and that these live in the relationship with the man that you have chosen And it's not an offering, right? It's like that lie we tell ourselves about vulnerability that it's going to cost us. It's going to cost us something. It's not actually true. It's not only not true, it's an inversion, right? Because the dividends that you get from assuming your proper position and for recognizing that you are choosing to be with this person and that the only way that you can reap the benefits that you are seeking is to get on the same team and to take your proper place. That's like a triggering sentiment, right? When you're on the same team, you have resolved the triangle. There's no more victim triangle. when you're on the same team, you're not invested in making your husband wrong. Do you want to be with a wrong husband? It's so corrosive. To be right relative to your husband, even one time is like an administration of poison to the relationship. So Amrapani and others, I'm sure, you know, like Laura Doyle, there's so much overlap in all of these teachings. talk about finding him right. Go out of your way. Just try it like for the fuck of it. Like go out of your way. And I'm sure you're doing this to find him right. And like an easy way to say that is like, I see what you're saying. Or even you could be right. You know what disarming that is? It feels like, oh my God, I just gave my chips away and I need them. Right. But it's Just think of it as like a game, like a strategy, like you're learning like some courtesan, you know, level skills or something and try it on for fun. And to do that as an adult who's making choices, you're going to need to develop intimacy, of course, with yourself, but specifically with the protector, if we want to use parts work terminology, specifically with the protector that believes something horrible will happen if you are not right. So that protector was charged with this job decades ago, has done a really good job, probably. And so often the question we ask the protector is what are you afraid would happen if you didn do your job Like what if I told you like I manning the ship everything cool Protector you can go chill over there. What are you so worried would happen in that case? Asking that question is really powerful. And I encourage you to sit with that and really deeply explore like, what is it that you're worried would happen. I know for me, I get worried that I would lose value and worth, especially if I'm inconsistent. Like that's a big, big one that I'm working on is like, that I'm allowed to be inconsistent, you know, like that that's okay, because I've developed such a sense of worth and value from like, being able to use absolute language and saying like, I never do this, never do this, or whatever. So there's something that you're imagining would happen if you were wrong in your relationship. And that needs to be brought up to date, right? That you're electively in this relationship with somebody you want to be with, who is not a parent, right? Who is not an authority figure, who is on your team and must be. Yes, the moment your husband is wrong, we have a problem. We especially as women have a problem because you lose respect for that man. And then you're fucked. Basically, the relationship begins the end. It begins the end of the relationship. And usually through the infidelity channel, I would say, one person's part or the other. So I get it. I know how hard it is. I so applaud your openness and willingness to explore this. Laura Doyle's work from my exposure to it on her podcast and in her books has been really game-changing for me, even just in my life in general. And I think it's probably essential reading for every woman in a heterosexual marriage or a polarized marriage, even same sex. So like, you know, like where it's very clear that you are in the yin, you're in the submissive, you're in the feminine essence, whatever you want to call it, depending on whose teachings you're recruiting. you