Codependency and Healthy Dependency with Nedra Glover Tawwab | Being Well

Hello and welcome to Being Well. I'm Forest Hansen. If you're new to the podcast, thanks for joining us today. And if you've listened before, welcome back. Everybody has two important needs and our ability to meet them has a huge impact on our happiness in life. First, we need to feel independent and autonomous, like we can stand on our own and make choices that matter. Second, we need some amount of closeness and intimacy, the feeling that we're supported by other people and not just doing life on our own. The challenge for most people is figuring out how to balance these two needs because they can often pull us in opposite directions. My guest today is Nedrick Glover Tab, a licensed therapist, relationship expert, and best-selling author with over 2 million followers on social media. Her work on boundaries played a huge role in bringing that concept to the mainstream. And her new book, The Balancing Act, is about what she calls healthy dependency, how to rely on other people without losing yourself. So, Nandra, how are you doing today? I am well. Thank you for the intro. >> Yeah, so happy to. And um the last time that we talked was years ago. >> It was for your first book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, which I thought was fantastic. And as I said in the introduction, really introduced your work to a lot of people. And I want to start by saying that I think it is so interesting that you wrote this book uh particularly in the context of the broader conversation about boundaries. And when an idea takes off, um, it's easy for people to oversimplify it or misunderstand it or take it to extremes. And I'm wondering if part of your motivation here for writing this book was as kind of a response to that. >> Yeah, I um, since the time of writing writing set boundaries, find peace, which I think was and is a pivotal part of relationship. Since that time, um, 2021, I have seen people taking boundaries and weaponizing them in in some instances or >> having such rigid rigid standards that we have created more isolation and instances of loneliness. So I wouldn't say is necessary necessarily a correction as much as it is an expansion on what does healthy dependency in relationships look like? Um how can we bring boundaries in without being over boundaried or even being underbounded like how are we maintaining you know that sense of autonomy without being too independent. So there is this this balance of dependency that I think was missing in the conversation because some of us went >> um completely down one path when we when we heard the word boundaries. It's like yes I've never had these and then we became overbounded in some instances. >> Yeah, totally. Well, I'm glad you're saying that cuz it was very much my experience as kind of an outsider to the whole thing. Like >> it's it's what happens when anything becomes popular. You've got the first phase which is hey this is a good thing like have boundaries, protect your peace, be thoughtful about who you're giving your energy to. Then there was kind of the natural push back to it. There's this loneliness epidemic going on. Everyone's just kind of getting estranged from their families. Then a natural third stage of like look, there's a healthy middle path here. And I think that's really represented by what you were talking about inside of the book, which was healthy connection and healthy dependency. >> Yeah. I even feel like with no contact or becoming a strange or cutting people off, I've been doing a lot of talk even with that. um you know there's this this whole thing going around like it's increasing and I think in some instances it is for sure and I think people are more aware of what abuse is in family situations what is neglect and certainly aware of how it continues into adulthood um and they're wanting to make those changes so in those instances um I don't see that as being overbounded I see it as a situation where uh maybe we have not practiced boundaries and and this is the boundary that some people are choosing to have. Now of course even with that because there are some people like oh my gosh especially the parents right like I did nothing and this thing happened to me you know I think there are some some conversations needed >> um around how we receive communication from people when they're trying to make a change in a relationship. There are certain things we could get from some relationships and not all. And sometimes we don't need to end them. We just need to desenter them. We need to reclassify them. We need to um look at the person or the relationship differently no matter what that role or title is. >> Are there particular I don't know what quite the right word here is like misunderstandings or misconceptions that you think that people have about this territory that were really in your mind as you were doing this content or writing this book? I think we think dependency is all bad. I was speaking with someone earlier and they was like dependency sounds like a oxymoron because it sounds when you hear dependency you automatically think like codependent dependency is bad >> right and and I said to them I said we're all dependent period we're all dependent my shirt my home the things in my home these are sourced from other people I am dependent on the world at large in some ways to help me take care of myself. That's not a bad thing. Um I think there are forms of dependency. Um whether that is us being hyperindependent when we are pushing people away, we're being avoidant, we are saying, you know, we are self-made, we are dodging communication from folks, we are um not in community with others, those sorts of things. Yes, that's problematic. Also, codependency when we are helping people through negative situations and it's you know um impeding on our life and our ability to live well like yeah those are dependencies that are unhealthy. However, you know dead in the center of that we actually need other people. We need community and connection. We need um resources from other people. We need relationship at different levels. Every relationship is not supposed to be close. We need that surface level connection. We need associates. We need neighbors. We, you know, so all of those things are healthy part of our ecosystem. So the word dependency, I think people hear it and they're like bad and it's like no, we're all dependent. Can we I I admit that, you know, I think it's it's a part of being a human being in the world. We rely on others for certain things. Now we can we can under rely or we can overrely but in the middle of that we are in some some healthy version of depending on people. >> So you used a word there that often trips people up. It was codependency. Um this word if I'm remembering correctly actually came from work on addiction and then people kind of took it out and applied it to different settings. How do you think about that word? It definitely came from the um substance use community um you know the big book codependent no more um where it talks about you know like having these connections with a partner or family member who has these you know qualities of addiction right they're they're stealing money they're lying they're doing all these things and you're like upholding them in that um that's the origin of that and I think it does apply to other things. We can uphold people in lots of things in life where they're having some some behaviors that we support and it continues, you know, um this this detrimental situation in their life. Yeah. So, I think it can be applied in in many situations. I think the the challenge with codependency is um we try to rid ourselves of it in its entirety in every single situation. I think the challenge with codependency is the codependent person is actually very lonely as well because they're not getting their needs met in relationships. And I think we look at it as such a bad like, oh my gosh, this person has to be stop being codependent when in actuality I think are there other relationships that they need. So, you know, maybe they don't stop the codependency, but they get the fulfillment in other areas because I don't think we're reaching everybody with like stop being codependent. It's like no, tons of people still are, right? But they they they need love and support in other areas, right? So even the codependent person could benefit from increasing um their dependency in healthy ways in other relationships. Can they have other relationships where they are supported and love? You know where are the other relationships in your life? Are all the relationships codependent? Now we have a problem, right? Like so okay yeah we need to we need to shift a lot here. But, you know, I I think there's been a hyperfocus on let's eradicate it when in actuality it's like what level is the codependency? You know, is it is it a little bit or is it a lot? You know, cuz that that matters too. Is it in every relationship or some? It's an interesting point that you're making because codependency and inshment, they're things that often appear because a person doesn't have a lot of other deeply meaningful relationships in their life or a lot of other relationships that they can really lean on for support. Um, people in those situations are often pretty isolated from other people sometimes because that relationship is making them isolated. You think about situations where somebody has a really overbearing um romantic partner of some kind that are really like cutting themselves off from other people, making it difficult for that person to access friends. Their partner is saying, "Hey, I don't like it when you spend time with these other people. You should just be spending time with me." No, what this person needs is actually more connection. They just need healthier forms of connection or connection with other people. >> Yeah. Is it possible that when we have other healthy relationships, we start to want to make those changes in the codependent one? for sure. >> You know, maybe it's like this domino effect like, "Oh my gosh, I can talk to this person and it's so relaxing. It is without chaos. It's, you know, without all of this anxiety I get trying to save this other person." Perhaps that's possible in more relationships instead of, oh, they don't need anyone because they're they're over there stuck on, you know, this this partner who won't let them out of the house or something like, you know, I I think we need a plethora of experiences to really teach us what's good for us and what's not. There was a line in the book that I wrote down. It's simply inaccurate to think that loneliness is the result of an insufficient amount of self-love. There's this this story that we tell in very individualistic cultures and United States is certainly one of those where your job is to kind of love yourself up to the point like you were saying at the very beginning that you don't need as much connection with other people and if you just do that enough you won't be lonely anymore. Uh but we've kind of tried that on collectively and it just hasn't gone particularly well for people for starters. >> Yeah. I I remember in the '9s um there was this huge self-love movement like you know all the books were about it. It was like love yourself and it was like self- loveve was the cure to overcome it. Like if you love yourself enough you'll never be abused in a relationship. If you love yourself enough you'll never be lonely. If you love yourself enough you won't need friends. It's like, okay, love yourself and um you still need that connection from other people. It's it's it's okay if you don't love every individual experience >> alone, right? Like you don't have to go to the theater alone, to dinner alone. Like I mean it's it's good if you if you like to do that, but it's not like you're a terrible person if you can't spend 20 days by yourself. The the self-love piece, it is important. And it's also um important for you to continue to have connection with other people. Even with your self-love, you still need other people. It is not a fix for community. >> So you talk about kind of a spectrum of dependency. We've already talked about one side of it. the more codependent side. Uh then you also use a phrase counterdependency and that's a little bit more along the lines of what you're talking about now. Somebody who's kind of hyper individualistic or hyperindependent. What does that look like when you when you think of people that you've worked with therapeutically who have more of that tendency? >> Yeah. I I think of people who seem outwardly productive or successful, but they don't have anybody to share those wins with. They don't have anyone they could call and say, "Oh my gosh, guess guess what happened to me?" They don't have anyone to spend their their time with. And even when people try to get close, they are pushing those people away or avoiding that deeper connection in relationships because somewhere deep inside there's this idea that either I don't need people, they're not going to show up well, or um I can do this all on my own. And there, you know, despite the loneliness, it's like the the belief overrides this this loneliness like, you know, I would I would feel better with people around, but I just can't seem to figure out how to curate and keep those relationships. And it's not always um they don't have one person, but it's, you know, letting more people in. One person is not enough for us. Two people is not enough. And some of us will um lean so heavily on the few that we are burning them out. You know, I tell stories in the book where there's this over reliance on one person and this person is like, "Oh my gosh, I want to do other things. I want to do other things. I don't want to be with you all the time. Can you please find more people?" Because it's really beneficial for us to have like a collective. And it doesn't have to be huge. I'm not saying a 100 people in our orbit, but five, 10, you know, some of us don't have that. You know, there there there's things coming out now that, you know, lots of people don't have two people they can call and, you know, share their life with. That's that's not a lot of people. It's it's two. >> I'm wondering if how all of this just relates to people's attachment style. Attachment style is a phrase that people are familiar with. Is this something where codependent people are anxiously attached, counterdependently, counter dependent people are avoidantly attached and it's just as simple as that or is there more complexity here? >> Well, both. I think it is as simple as that and it's complex. Everything is complex. But if we want to simplify it, avoidant people tend to be a little more counterdependent and codependent people tend to be a bit more disorganized, fearful or uh anxious. um they put a lot of of or they think a lot about their relationships with other people, how they're being p perceived, how um people are doing or feeling as a result of things. And I think when you think of avoidance, people are like, you know, I almost can't tolerate too much connection. Um, with with some of the avoidant folks I've worked with, I've been surprised that even with healthy scenarios, let's say they're, you know, um, meeting a new friend and the person invites them out two weeks in a row, it's like, oh my gosh, what kind of person is this? It's like, >> um, a person who enjoyed your company and they want to see you again. >> Or if they're dating and the person expresses like they like them, they just ghost them. It's like, oh my gosh, like you like me, this is this is too much. Um, so even though they're doing the thing of dating, which is I am seeking connection, it's like I can't even tolerate it when I get it. I know that I need friends, but when they come my way, I I can't even let them get too close because it just feels so uncomfortable to me to have that level of vulnerability and intimacy in a relationship. Something that I've heard people talk about and I've talked with other people about on the show is this common dynamic that comes up in relationships similar to what you're describing that's this like anxious and avoidant pairing that for whatever reason just seems to be very common. You've got a more anxious person who's constantly reaching out for emotional supplies and you've got a more avoidant person who meets that reaching out with increasing distancing. So it just kind of spirals and spirals and spirals as every time they take a step back, the other person takes a bigger step in which leads to a bigger step back. I'm wondering if you've seen this and why do you just think this happens? For starters, >> I don't want to say it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but almost. It's like people can't be there for me is like the anxious thought, right? And so you go in the world and you find these people who demonstrate I can't be there for you. >> So for sure >> that's the avoidant person, right? It's like I don't know if two anxious people would do well together, but I also wonder how far too avoidant people would get together. >> I think that's a big piece of it. Yeah. Like either way, it's kind of like a like a two-legged stool, right? It just doesn't have enough balance to hold itself up. Yeah. >> Yeah. It's like if nobody wants to like each other, what are we doing here? >> Yeah. Totally. And it's a lot harder to s harder to sustain something like that over time where you don't have somebody who's kind of um pulling the other person into the world or pulling them into emotional intimacy, that kind of closeness and connection. But for whatever reason, it's it walks through your door all the time, I would imagine. >> Yeah. Yeah, it it does. But I but what I always come back to is our attachment style is not fixed. And surprisingly, it it sort of shifts in some of our relationships. I've seen people be able to maintain, you know, secure friendships very well, but when it comes to dating, they're very anxious or in family relationships, they're pretty avoidant, but with their partner, they're securely attached. And you know, just all these different playouts. And I think that has to do with our history with people and how people show up with us. you know, we can be open to a new experience like a a anxious person who meets a secure person who's like very upfront with no, I'm going over my friend's house and I and they text when they get there. It's like it cures that anxiety, right? Like you don't even need to be anxious with this person. It's not until you get into the relationship and you're like, "Oh my gosh, it's been like 4 hours. Where is this person?" that it that it brings that anxiety back up. And it's the it's the same thing with our friends. You know, I think sometimes we don't think about attachment outside of dating, but our attachment shows up in our work relationships. It shows up in our friendships and, you know, just all over the world. This this idea that, you know, people are thinking or doing certain things can be a way that our anxiety is is manifested in in friendships. Oh, this person isn't going to call me back because blah blah. you know, we make up these big stories. It's like sound pretty anxious about this this friendship, right? So, you know, I don't I don't think it's a fixed experience. It is person to person and relationship to relationship. And if we can recognize that maybe I'm not always avoidant, maybe I'm not always anxious, and just live in that space of I can be different because clearly I'm doing something different in these other interactions, we can we can triple that. We can keep it going in other scenarios. Like we can start to build on that. Like if I can do it with this person, maybe I could do it with that person. I love to cook and I wish I lived in a world where I always had the time, the energy, and the brain space to cook three delicious and nutritious meals a day. But these days, that's just not always the case. And when I'm moving through my day or I'm tired at the end of it, that's when it's easy to make less than ideal choices about what I'm eating. That's why I was really curious when Hule reached out to sponsor the show. Hule makes nutritionally complete, convenient, and affordable food. And they're also thoughtful about minimizing their impact on animals and the environment. They sent me a couple of things to try. One is Hule Black Edition, which is their higher protein line. The ready to drink bottles that are these right here are a complete meal with 35 g of protein and 27 essential vitamins and minerals with no artificial sweeteners, colors, or flavors. 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I'm the kind of person who struggles to show up on the time. I'm the kind of person who uh gets really stressed out when other people don't call me back within 15 minutes or whatever. Um, and a lot of this is affected by personal history. You know, you've had experiences in the past where something was really painful for you or you had an experience in the past where somebody really did let you down. They didn't show up for you in the way that you needed or the way that they agreed to. And you know, you start to stack enough of those up, particularly inside of a family system or something like that, and it leaves a real impact on a person. Um, at the same time, sometimes when we're talking about these things, people talk about them in a way where it sounds like the only thing that matters is like your relationship with your mom when you were growing up, you know? Um, so I'm wondering how you think about personal history and and how that impacts all of this. Well, yeah. Personal story, like you said. I do think it's really important like you have this perspective of who you are and so you live up to it. >> It's like I've got to be this thing. I am this sort of person instead of having this flexibility around like >> let's see how I show up in this interaction. >> You mentioned that it seems like it's this this thing about like oh it's your mom or dad's fault. And I think >> sure >> with attachment sometimes I've seen it be other experiences, you know, not just our parents. Um, now of course the original attachment research is around children and and their parents, but what if you have some anxiety about relationships because you were bullied in middle school and it started with your with someone who you thought was your best friend, right? Like that's not a parent situation. But now you have a lot of trust issues in relationships with females because you had this female bestie who who started all these rumors and then became your biggest bully. And yeah, it's it's not always apparent, but you hear stories like that that impact people throughout adulthood. Like now I don't trust women because I told this girl everything when I was 12 and now I'm 42 and I can't and I I I I can't believe my my best friend Tiffany did that to me and now I just have this big thing about not trusting women. Right. So it's it's not always the parents. I think there are instances certainly you know >> um when people come to therapy we're trying to unravel the story and figure out like okay what is the thing like how do I get this person through this scenario or situation and sometimes it's not the thing that we think it is this you know unfortunate experience that we have as humans and it impacts the way we attach. It could be a partner that you've had previously that created a lot of trust issues that make you not um that make you very fearful in relationships with other people. So, no, it's it's not always, you know, this this family or or parent experience that does this. You know, I've I've talked to people who come from and they would say great families like my parents are married and they do well, but I don't know why I have all these dating issues. and you talk to them about dating, it's like, uh, that's it. The first college relationship, that was the that was it. So, yeah, it's it's not so open and shut when you're piecing together why we are the way we are. >> Yeah, it's So, you said something a second ago, you know, I'm 42 years old and this thing happened when I was 12 and, you know, 30 years ago. And when you when somebody says it that way, if you're listening to it, it can sound like a little ridiculous or a little over the top or something, but man, it is so true. I mean, I think about myself like I got my own anxious tendencies and friendships with other people that I can kind of trace back to things that happened when I was like in middle school or whatever. Um >> my my fianceé Elizabeth, she's an associate therapist now. who's uh finishing up her hours and uh she has complex PTSD and she entered the relationship with a she would say herself a kind of more disorganized style that she managed extremely effectively and then you know 3 or 4 years into the relationship when we developed a little bit more safety some of that started to kind of like pop out and we had to do some do some work around that and one of the things we've really talked about a lot and she's really talked about is how in the relationship with me she really leaned into the opposite of her instincts essentially. She was trying to do everything like it just hasn't worked out for me in the past. So, I'm just going to try to do everything differently than what I was doing then and I'm going to see if it works out. And, you know, thankfully it worked out for us. But, um that's part of why I was so uh so tickled when I saw it actually pop up in your book. Essentially, a kind of opposite action. And this can be really counterintuitive for people. And I was wondering if you wanted to talk about a little bit. Yeah, I this is my favorite thing to talk about with clients, like what what are they planning to do or what would they do? And it's always like, okay, don't do that. Don't be yourself. >> What whatever you do, don't be yourself. Oh my god. >> Don't be yourself. Stop being yourself. That's part one. Part two, let's think in the opposite direction. You like this person. You sent the last text. They didn't text you back fast enough, right? They text you back the next day. Your instinct is to never text them again. >> Right. That's it. Game over. >> What would What do you think uh would be the counterintuitive thing to do here? And most of them was like, text them. There you go. That's very different than what you would naturally do. You're saying you want to be in a relationship that works. You understand that sometimes people can't communicate quickly. maybe this was this this time you have to do something differently here if you want a different result or you could ghost them like you do most people and then you'll you'll be back in your ghosting cycle. So yeah, I think sometimes a thing that feels natural to us is is not what we're supposed to do because we will stay in the same situation. Um when we feel like, oh my gosh, there's this misunderstanding. I don't want to talk about it. The most comfortable thing to do is to not talk about it. And I see why we choose that, right? I we choose it because it's it's like this feels good to just ignore it, to disassociate, to be done with the relationship when in actuality, is is this a situation that could be saved if I push through my discomfort and do this thing that feels like this is so different than what I typically do. Yeah, it's the it's the path of maybe not most resistance, but at least a little bit more resistance. >> A little bit more. Yeah, >> there's just so much content out there, particularly on social media, that's about, you know, trusting your gut and going with the flow and doing what comes naturally to you. And it's one of those things where like, yes, in some situations, of course, you want to do that. And you don't want to be totally ridiculous about this whole thing and and constantly, you know, run counter to your instincts. You got to learn how to trust your gut at some point. I'm wondering how you think about finding that healthy balance. >> Yeah, I think trusting your gut is important in situations of safety, right? Like our gut can really queue us into danger and what is unsafe. Unfortunately, I think we're using our discomfort as our gut sometimes. >> Yeah, for sure. We're saying that our gut is is in in line with the discomfort. I think we have to recognize when something feels uncomfortable versus my gut is saying never call this person back. Is that my discomfort or my gut? I think it's, you know, if we really tap into that, it's it's sometimes discomfort. I'm not saying it's never gut, but it's like what did they do? What is the situation? is, you know, is this something that could be resolved? Um, we have to think, we have to stop using the word gut when it's actually just a choice that we wanted to make. >> Yeah. >> You know, it it takes a lot of time and attention to self to figure out what is actually happening in your body with so many of these scenarios. Because when we haven't took the time to understand ourselves, everything could feel like a danger, a trap, uh a gut response to something when in actuality, it's perhaps a growth area. You know, I think about this this idea of if a person triggers you, you have to like get away from this person. You have to do away with him. Well, it depends on what the trigger is, right? Like there are some triggers that are unsafe and there are others where it's like I didn't even know that was my thing. I was, you know, talking to someone about um I was dating someone in my early 20s and I am so like rigid with a schedule that I don't like anything to like pop up. And the person I was dating, you know, they would call and be like, "Hey, you want to go to the movies?" And I'm like, "Oh my god, like today?" Like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no. >> I got you in the calendar, but you know, >> no, no, I we could go Friday. We could go Friday. we cannot go today. This is a little too abrupt for my system. That was a trigger though. And they would they would do it like all the time. And I was like I would tell them like, "Hey, can you give me a heads up?" They would never give me a heads up. And I really had I really had to sit with myself and be like, "Why is this like you want to like dump this person over?" >> Yeah. >> Yeah. over like a shift in the schedule of not a negative thing, but a thing like going to dinner or going to the movies. Hey, I got tickets to suck such and such. And I'm like all all of my indicator lights are like blue blue. This is this is dangerous. It's like no it's not. You grew up in a lot of chaos. You need calm all the time. But there are instances of chaos that are unhealthy for us. Going to see a movie is not that chaos. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> It's Yeah. You've you've you've mixed it up, girl. Now you're just You're saying going to dinner is chaos. That's That's >> That's not the same thing as >> Yeah, we're we're pushing pushing it a little hard here. For sure. I'm pushing it very hard >> because yeah, I was on the brink of like ending it all. Like I've I Oh, they're really pushing up against my trigger. >> Yeah. I'm really wondering what what helped you develop that kind of self-awareness because this sort of opposite action idea. It kind of only works if you've got a sense of what your what your tendency is, right? Like if you know that your tendency, like you were saying, you did a lot of um self exploration there where you went, "Hey, this is my tendency. These are my experiences. So you kind of got down to the bottom of it and you went, "Oh, this is what's happening." How do you think people kind of do that for themselves? Yeah. >> You know, I think therapy is a container for that. I think journaling is a container for that. I think ultimately asking yourself a whole bunch of questions. Why is this undoing me? Is this actually dangerous or am I tri triggered because of my past stuff? because the things that were being asked of me were actually not dangerous. It was like very typical things that you would do in a dating interaction, right? But for me and my requirement of nothing going um out of line, everything being just right, just so it it it was just like, oh my gosh, what is happening? Like my world is crumbling now. Well, you know, I I really have to think about like if I want healthy relationships and if if a part of healthy relationships is having some flexibility, is this something not not all the time but sometimes can I be open to this? Because my big goal is healthy relationships. That's the big goal. So, a part of the healthy relationship might be, even though I don't like it, sometimes being spontaneous. I still don't like it. I still don't like it. But now I have two kids. I'm married. And I, you know, it requires a level of flexibility. I would still love for my days to go do D, but they do not. And I deal with it a lot better. I wouldn't I wouldn't say I'm even triggered by it. It's just like, "All right, it's part for the course." All right, somebody vomited. Got it. This is a new part of the day. Got it. >> Before I would be like, "Yeah, >> yeah, we're doing this now." I'm I'm so happy I had that dating experience before kids because kids really throw you into the spontaneous acts like like nothing before. I would have just been like in my bed all day triggered. Hey there, thanks for watching and sorry for the little interruption here, but it turns out that over 60% of the people watching this video right now are not subscribed to the channel. I really appreciate your support even if you don't subscribe, but it's even better for me if you do. So, if you could take a moment, you hit the subscribe button, maybe, you know, whatever they say, smash that like button while you're down there, uh, I'd really appreciate it. So, thanks so much. And back to the show. Relationships often start with this kind of honeymoon phase where the people are just all about each other, right? There's a lot of building a connection. You're very focused on each other. And then as time goes on, there's this normal movement. I I think of like when Elizabeth and I moved in together. We were just spending all this time together for about a month. And I I actually remember talk God, she's going to she's going to kill me if she listens to this. I remember talking to my dad where I was like, I feel like I just can't do any of the things that I love doing for myself anymore cuz I'm just spending like all of my time with this person and I'm kind of self-conscious about just going and doing my own thing. Um, and over time it's really normal for, you know, that all normalized within a month or something. But it's really normal for relationships to become more balanced. Sometimes you do things by yourself, you go out with friends without the other person there. It's okay. You spend time on your own hobbies. But that transition can be really rough for people particularly if they are a little bit more dependent or a little bit more anxiously attached. And I'm wondering how you've seen people kind of navigate it in healthy ways. Yeah, I think it requires a lot of conversations and depersonalizing because sometimes when you want to get back to a little bit of the life you had before >> you were dating this person, you know, maybe you gave up trivia on on Thursdays and you don't go to the gym in the evenings like you were doing and it's like, well, I don't have to go every evening, but if I could get back to two out of four, I'd be doing pretty good, right? Um, I think we have to let people know that those things are not about them. That we, you know, we have to let them know that I love us spending time together. And I want to get back to some of these things that I haven't done in a few weeks. You know, I haven't I haven't talked to my friends. I haven't seen my friends. Um, I have a friend who and when we were in college, whenever she started dating someone new, I mean, she would be MIA for maybe 3 to 4 months. Like, you just wouldn't hear from her. And I remember one of the times that, you know, probably after the fourth or fifth time she did this, I said, "Hey, we going to all go together this time. Me, you, and him. We are We weren't using the word throppple at this time, but if y'all go bowling, we going bowling, you know. >> For sure. For sure. You're You are in the boat. Yeah, >> we are in the boat. Y'all could go over there and kiss. I will not say anything as a third wheel, but I'm going to be in this. And this time she I don't think she noticed this tendency that she would just >> Mhm. >> Yeah. And so once I mention it, I this time I was in there. I mean, it would be like the three of us. We were like buddies. So, so it worked out. U But yeah, I was like, "Oh, no. Not a new relationship." >> Yeah. I'm going to lose my friend for a minute here. Totally. >> I'm going to lose my friend for a minute. >> So, I was like, "Not again. Not again." I'm like, "Look, >> talk to me on speaker phone. I don't care if he hears everything." >> Like, I'm just We're all friends. Do what you got to do. I get it. You want to be around him all the time. He's great and wonderful. Yes, I invite him over. Come on. After a while, we do figure out some some normaly. But I do think it's important that we have those conversations around, hey, in my past life, which was a month ago. Um, here are some things that I really enjoyed doing. And I have just been in this cocoon of love with you and, you know, doing all of these fun and wonderful things. And there are some things that I need to get back into, some connections that I need to make. And you bring this person with you. Maybe they go work out with you. Maybe they go to these friend things with you for a little bit. Um, and then they start to, you know, you push them to, hey, I remember you saying you have friends. Don't you want to talk to them again? Like you push them back out there to to do their thing, too. for the person who is a little bit more dependent because we're kind of talking maybe I don't know maybe it's my own tendencies coming through or something but we're kind of talking about it through the perspective of the person who's like how do I establish a healthy amount of space >> for the person who has a little bit more of that like anxious or dependent tendency are there things that they can do inside of themselves or or resources they can build that you think help them just manage that a little bit better or deal with that experience of somebody saying you know hey I love you but I'm just not going to do everything with you >> yeah I think we have to depersonalize um what that means because sometimes we put ourselves at the center of somebody else's desire. Like if they want to do this thing without me, it's me. And what anxious people tend to do is try to make themselves um a fan of everything to keep this person around all the time. like, you know, I I used to really love the the the Nets, but since you love the Pistons, I'm going to love the Pistons, too, because I don't want to spend any time without you. So, now I have to love them, too. So, we can, you know, be in this cocoon. I have to lose myself in this situation with you. When in actuality, it is okay for them to have their own thing. It is okay for you to have your own thing. We are not in competition. Um there are some things that perhaps you enjoy without your partner and you have to be able to again depersonalize and say I can understand how they might enjoy this activity with other people who enjoy that activity because with our partners sometimes it is that you know men don't want to do all these things in heterosexual relationships that girls may want to do with their friends. They don't. Even if you want to spend time with your your girlfriend or or wife all the time, there are some things that you're not going to want to do. So, you have to release that dependency so she can go and get pedicures and all these fun things with her girlfriends or or you're going to be doing them and you may not want to. And that's, you know, I think there are parts of ourselves that are for other relationships. If if I like a music artist and you don't like this person, I don't want to drag you to a concert. I'd rather go with that friend who also has a love and fondness of this person and knows their catalog versus, okay, we have to do everything together. We don't. We We should do enjoyable things together. We should find our own things to do together. it. There's you're you're not a you know I'm I'm not taking it as a slight if we have a difference in music taste. >> So, it's really practicing like how do I start to be comfortable with differences in a relationship, not just autonomy, but differences because that's what we're talking about. There are there are some things that I like to do with you and there are some things that I like to do without you. I think this is another one of those things where just the way that we talk about it kind of culturally has such a big impact on how people think about it inside of their own lives because there's a lot of narrative that comes from this place of like profound insecurity at least in my opinion around okay if if they're spending time with other people it means that they don't love you enough or okay if if your partner's spending time with somebody of the opposite sex then like that's a red flag. normal human connection with other people is not an inherently bad thing. In fact, most of the time it's an inherently good thing. But we've just got so many fears around it that we have to work through in order to kind of get to that place. And yeah, doing that does sometimes open you up to a little bit of risk and balancing that is really scary for people. I don't know. I'm wondering how you think about all of that. >> Some people who are anxious, I don't know if they recognize it. I think they think that that that their problem is the other person not doing what they want them to do. >> For sure. 100%. >> Not showing up in a way that would make them feel comfortable. There is >> little recognition that I am like this in relationships and maybe it is me. It is not the other person. there is there is some level of security that I'm seeking that might be unreasonable for another person to offer me. Maybe it's an opportunity for you to dig into other relationships. I think sometimes, particularly with romantic relationships, we need more friends. We need other people. When our partner is not fulfilling a need, it it doesn't mean um this is a bad partner. It just means maybe there's another relationship. And I'm not talking about cheating in affairs, but another relationship that I need with a friend or family member that can meet this need. You know, one example I give in the book of a woman who wanted to leave her husband because he didn't um he wasn't as social as her. He didn't like to go to concerts. He didn't like to um hang around a bunch of people. And she's like, "Oh my gosh, he's a terrible guy." is like, well, he has all these other wonderful qualities and I wonder if this is an opportunity for you to have a friend who you can be a little more social with and then you and your husband, you do your things together. But I think this allin-one person sometimes that expectation is pretty tough for us to get from our partners that, you know, sometimes people have limitations and they're great people. It doesn't mean they're bad people. It's just, you know, There are other relationships where we should be seeking to get those needs met. And that's why we need a collective of people in our lives. Starting something new can be incredibly scary. So much work goes into an idea or a business. And you really have no idea whether or not it'll work out. When I started doing Being Well, I really had had truly no idea what I was doing. We recorded our first episodes from my childhood bedroom at my parents house. I didn't know how to record a podcast episode and I was really concerned that nobody would listen uh or I would sound like a total idiot and I definitely didn't think that it would become a business the way that it has. And these days, of course, I'm so glad that I took that leap. And when you're trying to deal with the anxiety that comes from starting something new, and particularly if you've got something to sell, it can help to have a partner like Shopify on your side. 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I think that the most important section of the book is the one that you title agreements are what you do behaviorally, which is in a section that focuses on people who tend to be more dependent. And particularly uh a line that again really stuck with me, our presence is an agreement to the conditions of the relationship. Um, I just immediately thought of like four friends and six past relationships and all of this and I I would just love it if you could unpack that a little bit for people. >> Oh, now I want to hear your friend example. >> Oh man, I I just I've had friends who've been in relationships with people uh particularly with like substance use issues and things like that. >> Um, or people who just were not reliable and they would consistently not be reliable in the same way over and over again. And then they would vent to to me or to Elizabeth about the unreliability of this person. And at a certain point, it's like, "Buddy, you're signing up for this." Like, there are no surprises here. Like, you've been on this ride. You know where it goes. Um, and it can be really difficult for that person because it's easy to like place the blame on them, place the blame on the person who's kind of signing up, particularly from the outside as a friend. You you start to get frustrated uh when that is not ultimately what helps that person. what helps that person as you were saying at the very beginning is like more connection, more support, more showing up, but it's just it gets tough to offer that at a certain point. >> Yeah, it does. And and you know, I think we could be less energetically focused on how we show up for them. I think in in those scenarios with our friends, we think the best way to show up is to keep giving them the same advice they never listen to. >> Sure. Um, >> let me give you this advice again that I gave you last week when you told me this issue. >> I've lived that >> Yeah, it it could be really helpful to get to the point of working your way out of the advice cycle. >> Like now I'm just going to sit here and and plan my meal while you talk. I'm just gonna be in my head the whole time like, "Yep, I heard this before. Do I want rice or potatoes?" You know, it's just like I am I am not actually a conversation partner. >> Yeah. >> I'm not a conversation partner. I'm not really a sounding board. I'm almost like a human wall >> because you're not Yeah. You're just getting it out. And I can let you I can just let you get it out and do nothing about it and keep letting you do that without me having some emotional like tie in and and all of these examples because you have to get to the point of being tired of this behavior. I've been tired of listening, but you're not tired enough to do anything about it. And so I will let you talk about it without being emotionally invested in it. >> Like this is this is a problem that um if you wanted to resolve it, I feel like you you have some solutions. You have options as to ways you could resolve this. However, if a person isn't doing those things that they have the option to do, they're not ready. So you giving them all of these other things that they possibly could do and reminding them of the history of that that is not supporting them. I I do feel like when people are ready to leave stuff, don't you want to be the person that they come to to to tell about that? Yeah. So sometimes we have to just show up just like whenever they're ready to leave or never, who knows? But whenever they're ready to leave, I want them to be able to tell me about that experience, too. So, I have to hear the in between. >> Yeah. And I mean, sometimes if you're if you're in that kind of relationship with somebody else, you can have a moment, which I've had only a couple of times, where the curtain gets peeled back a little bit and you just sort of go, hey, we've done this eight times. And I am here for the ninth time. I'm here for the 21st time. But like at some point we just have to acknowledge that we've done this eight times and at some point maybe it's time to try something a little different. >> Yeah. before before again stories of my youth. Um I remember in in in college I had a friend whose boyfriend was you know cheating and doing all sorts of things and she would you know like he did this, he did that, he did this, he did that and and it came to a point where I said I cannot hear about him anymore. I think that you're going to do whatever you want to do. you take all of these opinion polls. Um, you you look for for feedback and and all of this stuff and I just think there are other things that we could talk about and when you're ready to make a decision about that relationship, I'll talk to you about it. I'm sure I didn't say it as nice as I'm saying it now. I'm like I probably said like, "Girl, I'm tired of hearing about him. Don't talk about him." But uh but she she did stop and she did, you know, eventually uh leave the guy and it was fine. But my boundary was whenever she would bring him up, I'm like, you know, my position. This is nothing new. You're talking about the same problem with this person. And when you're ready to resolve it, you will. But right now you're you're just in ideation. Maybe you're thinking about it. Sometimes people need enough like juice to to leave a person. So, you know, uh the funny thing about our friends and what I've learned to be really careful about is saying bad things about a relationship they're still in because they will rekindle those connections and then they'll get mad at you for being mad at their person. Have you ever experienced that? >> I I have experienced once and it's like Yeah. >> But you told me this stuff, right? And so I I I I have to because I'm I want to maintain our friendship. I have to be careful before you actually are ultimately out of it of saying anything that's like going for the juggler. So, >> yeah, >> I'm typically like, well, you know, you should talk to you should, you know, I'm trying to be neutral. Now, if you say we're getting a divorce, I'm like, you know what? I'm so happy. I've been tired of him for 2 years. >> The the dam breaks, the lid pops, and all of a sudden it comes flowing out. >> No, I I have had a couple of situations where, you know, you think that somebody's looking for a certain kind of support. you think that you're you're joining with them because they're they're in complaint in that moment and you know you kind of want to support them in that complaint and then it's interesting how it can kind of flip because >> you know they they are still bought into it and they are still wanting to support the relationship and all of that. So and they're they're themselves like you're saying they're swinging back and forth like the reason that this keeps happening is because it's just you know it's going like this. it hasn't really stabilized around oh okay that kind of clarity you were talking about earlier right where you go this is what's happening this is the way that I am now it's time to try something different yeah so we we have to manage the way in which we we give others feedback and you know one of the things that I mentioned in the book is if if people have enough folks in their community we're not always hearing about a topic IC because they have spread that information hopefully to some other people and so maybe I'm only hearing about it once a month because you've talked to all these other people so it's not as intense to me. I think when you have a friendship with a person who has few people and it's like you're their go-to person because they don't feel comfortable talking to other people or they don't have other people that's when it's really like draining on the friendship. is like you need more community. You need more people to be in this with you because this is very intense for me to be the only person in it with you. >> Just thinking more generally about that line like accepting the conditions of the relationship if you're staying in it. Whatever the relationship is, family relationship, romantic friends, whatever's going on for you. We kind of got three options in life for most things. We can accept something the way that it is and go, you know what, this is what it is. is I'm going to do my best to kind of come to terms with it or make peace inside my heart. You know, I love this relationship 80% 20% it drives me crazy. And I'm kind of okay with that. At the end of the day, I will I will sign up for the 20 because I love the 80. Okay, sure. We can try to change stuff. On the other hand, we can say, "Hey buddy, I love you 80, but this 20 is really bug bugging me and it's kind of a deal breakaker and so we got to do something about this 20%." Often the real suffering for people is when they haven't chosen either one and they're just hanging out in that messy middle where they haven't really accepted it. They're not really trying or really committed to changing it and they're just in suffering. And I think about my own life and that's where most of my suffering has come personally when I when I haven't committed to either path really. >> That is a a beautiful point. we can figure out a way to tolerate people even in their stuff. I think about sometimes this idea that we may be seeking perfection in some of our relationships and it's just it's not going to work out that way. I was doing a uh a retreat last year and I was talking to some of the attendants about this idea that if someone if you have this codependent relationship with someone, the best way to to deal with the codependency is to cut them off and you can't have relationship with people with substance use issues. And I said, you know, it's not true. I think you can have boundary relationships with them. If you if you have a person in your life who has an issue with alcohol and they're they're calling you and they're, you know, sound a little drunk and they're talking a little weird, you can you can say to them, hey, you know, this isn't a it doesn't sound like it's a good time for us to talk. Let's talk later. You don't have to end the relationship, but you can choose how you show up in that interaction. You may not or you can, like you said, you can be in that limbo. Oh my gosh, this person's drinking. They need to stop it. I can't believe it's like they have an alcohol issue and and here's the way I can deal with them in that issue. It doesn't mean that it doesn't bother me. It doesn't mean I'm okay with your behavior, but I'm choosing to be in this relationship. And if I'm going to choose to be here, here are some boundaries I need to have to continue to to show up in a relationship. But yes, if I'm in limbo, it's like, "Oh my gosh, they've got to change. They got to do this. This needs to happen." It's like, "Maybe not. Maybe it won't happen that way." Or you can you can hope that, but it it doesn't mean that that person will will change, but you certainly can change the way that you tolerate it. Moving maybe to the other side of the spectrum here. There was a different part of the book that really spoke to me which was about this um you know James in quotation marks uh person who seemed externally popular had mostly developed a lot of superficial relationships like sharing a lot of hobbies with other people a lot of friends of friends known a lot of these people for a long time but it was sort of rare for conversations to move past like talking about what they did together into some kind of a deeper space you know talking about who they were as people uh feelings important stuff in their lives all that good stuff and it spoke to me because I at least to to some extent kind of am James. Uh I think a lot of people are particularly a lot of men where I've moved through a lot of social settings where you know you know people for a long time but you just kind of struggle to have the conversation change to something more meaningful and thankfully over time I feel like that's gotten a little bit better for me. And I'm wondering how you've seen that get better for people. Like are there things that a person can do? >> Using feeling words help and not just talking about things that are happening in the world, but actually how you feel about the things that are happening. >> My daughter is graduating and I'm so proud versus I got to go to my daughter's graduation. Um, so I think inserting some feeling vocabulary in our language could be helpful. I think another thing is is sharing more. Sometimes our people don't know anything about us for real. They couldn't sit in a room together and piece together five stories. I mean, even the personal stories I've I've shared with you, there are some people where folks don't know two of their personal stories. >> Yeah. >> Um, I've I've met a lot of adults who who can say, "I don't know anything about my parents. like they like they don't talk about themselves. So there's no vulnerability in that relationship in terms of talking about yourself. But that's what a a throwback story shares that oh my gosh I remember when I was eighth grade this guy ate so much bubble gum. Whatever the story is, I don't know. It's like it it gives people some indication of you and your historical context. And you know, it is it is this connection point. I love having old stories with my friends when I can call a friend and be like, remember that guy's tires got stolen when we went to that party? Like it's it's just like a great I don't know. Oh, it's like some history that we share. It is a story. And some of us, we're not talking in that context with our friends. >> Sometimes we are not using feeling words where they even know that we think deeply about a topic. Sometimes we are going through terrible things and no one knows it because we haven't told them. We haven't told them the issue we're having at work or with our partner. We talked a little bit ago about the friend who's always sharing or there are some friends who share nothing. >> There are some friends who seem like they are problemless like they're just there's some family members who are like that. There are some husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends who are like that where it's like do you have any problems? Are you real? Because they're not sharing anything. like who are you grandpa? >> Totally. And it can be this kind of like trap of overfunctioning. I that might be like too technical a way to talk about it, but I think you know what I mean. I I've definitely have some experience with this where if you're just the person who's constantly solving problems, including your own problems all the time, without ever telling anybody about them, it's really easy for other people to be like, "Oh, they just got it. You know, they don't need help. You know, they're all right. They'll be okay." And you kind of build a box into that. >> Oh, for sure. We do. For sure. >> We feed into that. I think sometimes when I talk to people who are like, "Everybody thinks I have it all together and I don't." And I'm like, "Do you tell them you don't? >> Do you tell them about it?" Absolutely. Yeah. For sure. >> Yeah. Sometimes we're not even telling them like, "I don't have it all together. Here are the five things that are that are undoing me at this moment." >> Yeah. Like >> this was a big problem for me. So, I'm intimately familiar with this one. Yeah. For sure. For sure. >> Yeah. It's it's it's like you know um and and we have to sometimes as humans I I am guilty of this um we look at other people's problems and we be like ugh I cannot share this problem I have because their problem is so big >> and and and what I what I say to people is all of our problem is big to us. If if your problem is, I don't know, your your partner just lost their job and somebody else's problem is, you know, they have some curable disease that they can get some medication for. It's still a problem. It's still a problem. I don't think we need to say, well, this problem is bigger than that problem because X, Y, and Z. They are both problems in your body. you likely feel the problems in the same way. >> It's not like, you know what, this was such a little problem. I don't even care about that that health issue I'm having. It's like, no, it it feels terrible to you, just like the person with this partner doing X, Y, and Z. So, when we hear these stories from other people, sometimes we say, well, I don't want to tell them because they're dealing with too much. You know what I love to say to my friends? And I just did this about two weeks ago. My friend, she called and she was like, um, I know you you dealing with something and I have something going on. I said, please tell me. Distract me from my life. Please, please tell me what's going on. I'd love to hear your problem. Can you have more problems tomorrow? Because I'm tired of being in my head about my own problem. Yeah, it's funny to say, but like sometimes if it's kind of healthy to um and Elizabeth and I have experienced this some it can be healthy to kind of flip a relationship upside down a little bit. Like if there's one person who's who tends to ask for help more, >> putting them in a position where it's like, "Hey, can I get some help from you?" Not because I'm trying to like be on balance the scales here, but because I'm trying to put you in a position of the problem solver, like the one who knows, you know, the authority in the situation. You're kind of reaching out in that way. And then in other side of it, it's nice for me a lot of the time to be like, "Hey, help me." Sometimes not just inside of my relationship, but with just with friends and things like that. >> We have to force our help sometimes on our on our avoidant or or hyperindependent or seemingly having it all together people. We have to just like shock them like, "I brought you dinner and now what you going to do? >> I knew you was hungry. We all eat. >> And as somebody who has some of those tendencies, I gotta tell you, that's like such a beautiful thing when it does happen. >> It's like >> we have to send them a text even though they never seem like they have I have someone on my heart right now. I'm going to text them today. Super avoidant. It never seems like they need anything. But if they do not receive my Christmas card by a certain week in December, they will send a text. Now, other than that, they don't need anything in the world. But that is like a centering experience for them to get my Christmas card. Um, but I just, you know, every once in a while I'll just text them or call like, "Hey, how are you doing? What's going Oh, no, no, I'm fine." And I know they appreciate it. I know they appreciate it. Even though they always seem like, "No, no, don't fuss over me. Don't No. Everybody needs to be fussed over. Even the people who seem like they don't, they want that fussing. Don't let them convince you they don't want a little bit. At least a little bit of fussing. Everybody wants a little bit for sure. >> Yeah, they want a little pandemonium. A little pandemonium, but it it and it might feel uncomfortable and awkward and all that stuff, but they they like it a little bit, you know? And so even with people who don't seem like they need much from us, we have to figure out a way to still give them something. And I think this is a a interesting area in parenting because it's like the the child who seems to do the best they are not tended to and in the world they become that person who is not tended to. So in their head they they start to think like I don't have needs. Everybody else needs are bigger. And it's like no you do have needs. You've just figured out how to meet them on your own or how to be quiet about them. um but you still need something. Do you need the level of um care or strategy that your sibling needs? Maybe not, but there's something there that you need. So, you know, we're not needless. Even if we have grown accustomed to not expressing those needs or trying to meet them on our own, we still need things. And so, yeah, if we have relationships with people who have that tendency to be like always okay, not needing anything, we have to figure out a way to really get in there and and do something. >> I think that so much of of this >> is a great description of what healthy dependency looks like as we kind of come to the end of this whole thing, right? Like, >> what have we been talking about today? Ability to ask for things if you need them. ability to receive something if somebody else has given up to you. You know, the ability to tolerate a little bit of distance if your friend or your partner wants to go do their own thing for a minute. >> Yeah. >> You know, the ability to like step into a relationship a little bit more, use those feeling words like you were talking about, have those moments of vulnerability where you go, "Hey, you know, I could really use some help here." So, it's all yes and. And you're you're balancing these two these two sides of it of that autonomy or that independence and that like closeness and connection cuz you want to be able to play with all the toys like you want access to the whole thing. >> Thank you for that. I feel like you've just made that so digestible. Thank you for that. >> Thank you. I appreciate that. Is there anything you would want to add to it as we kind of get to the end here? Yeah, I you know I think we we need connection and we have to figure out ways to have that connection without desentering ourselves in those experiences with people. And that can be some some serious work for some of us to figure out what that looks like in our relationships. How to have enough boundaries but not too many. to have how to have unique and varied boundaries depending on the person in the relationship and how we can be flexible with our connections to others. So, I I hope that is what people get out of this book. >> Really appreciate you doing this with me today, Nadra. Great conversation. I really really enjoyed it. And is there anything else you want to let people know about where they can find you? You know, I think the book uh when we air this, the book will have just come out, so it should be available for people if they want to get it. Yes, you can find me on socials at Nedra Tawwa. Please check out my website. Um, and yeah, buy my new book. >> Thanks again, Nedra. I really appreciate it. >> Thank you. >> I had a great time talking today with Nedra Glover Tawab. And we started the conversation with me asking her whether her new book, The Balancing Act, was a kind of response to the cultural conversation that had been happening about boundaries. how many people took her work and of course the work of other people as well. NRA wasn't the only person talking about these topics, but she's got about two million social media followers. She was one of the very prominent people in that space and she basically said, "Yeah, I think that people kind of took it too far." Where there were people who took the concept of boundaries and started applying it in more extreme ways, talking about how, you know, if anybody activates you, you need to just cut them out of your life, you need to protect your peace no matter what. And this can cause us to isolate ourselves, reduce the number of meaningful relationships that we have in our lives. And broadly, it's great to have a tool. Boundaries are a really, really good tool, but we want to be thoughtful about how we're applying it. So, the goal here for us is to find a kind of healthy middle path between intimacy on the one hand and autonomy on the other. And that's what we talked about today. NRA talked about the spectrum of dependency, which has two extremes. Codependency on one hand and counterdependency on the other. And codependency is when we expect people to fulfill needs for us while not meeting any of their needs. A person can experience codependency in some relationships while being totally healthy in other ones. And dependency in general tends to track both boundaries and attachment style. Codependents tend to have more porous boundaries. Counterdependents tend to have more rigid boundaries. Codependents tend to be more anxiously attached. Counterdependents tend to be more avoidantly attached. This then took us into a conversation about some of the misunderstandings around attachment theory. How uh people often think that attachment theory is both fixed and unitary that we have one attachment style and we apply it to all groups of people. If you are anxiously attached, you're anxiously attached with everyone and you're anxiously attached all the time. And as we've learned more about attachment theory, we've discovered that that probably isn't true. You can have different kinds of attachment styles with different groups of people. Yes, you might have a primary one that tends to flow through your relationships, but in certain situations, you actually feel totally comfortable. You might be somebody like me who tends to be securely attached in general, but does sometimes flirt with a little bit of anxiety uh inside of my more my friendships, my social relationships, things like that. And we talked a bit about how our personal stories can influence our relationship with dependency. How people tend to carry around a narrative, a story that they tell about themselves. And that story then influences their behavior. They become the kind of person who fill in the blank, who uh doesn't show up to things on time, who falls through on their obligations with other people, who gets really mad when the other person doesn't text back immediately, whatever it is for you. And the story that we tell becomes a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. I am that kind of person. So, of course, I'll keep on doing that thing in the future. But the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result. There's a huge place here for self-awareness and self-evaluation and looking at your patterns and going, "Wait, am I really that kind of person? And even if I've been acting that way, do I have to be that kind of person in the future?" And then over time, we can build up both a more dynamic and more resilient sense of who we are. I'm a this person and I'm a that person. I can be really relational with other people and I can also be comfortable on my own. I can be close and attached to my partner and it's also okay for them to go and do stuff without me and that doesn't necessarily mean that they don't love me anymore. We also talked a bit about opposite action through the lens of my relationship with Elizabeth and how uh she's talked about this pretty publicly when she first got into the relationship. What she kept saying in her head was, "I'm just going to do everything differently than the way I've done it before." you know, it hasn't worked out in the past, so I got to try something else. And I think that that's just an enormous demonstration of self-awareness on her part, and it was one of the things that really helped our relationship go well. But in order to do that opposite action, you got to have pretty good self-awareness. You have to have a sense of what your common issues are in relationship. And Nedra talked about a couple of ways that people can explore that. This then led us into talking a little bit about trusting your gut and going with the flow versus what we were emphasizing during the conversation, which is that you can't always trust your gut and you shouldn't always go with the flow. You know, the path of some resistance is often the really meaningful path in life. And we've we've built an idol culturally out of, oh, your intuition will guide you. I mean, your intuition might guide you, but is that your intuition talking to you or is that your desire to avoid discomfort? And I mean this in a pretty non-judgmental way. I've done a lot of stuff in life to avoid discomfort. And a lot of it, frankly, at this point, I regret. I wish I had done kind of a little bit differently. I wish I had taken the path of a little bit more discomfort that led me to a place that I really wanted to go. Then at the end, we closed with a kind of definition of healthy dependence. And it's something I talk about a lot on the podcast. Uh I offered this and then Nedra expanded it a little bit. You want to play with all the toys. You want to have access to everything. This is why we talk about the middle path all the time. You want to be able to ask for and receive from and tolerate distance and be comfortable in closeness and be able to repair with other people. You want it all cuz why not, right? We've got one life. We want to live it the best that we can. We want to get the most out of it that we can. Why not aim for all of it? And that's one of the reasons that I appreciate Nedra's work in general and this book in particular because I think it's a great description of how to get all the things. I hope you've been enjoying the podcast. If you have and you made it this far, if you could take a moment to subscribe to it, maybe hit the like button if you're watching on YouTube. Uh you can leave a comment, a rating, a positive review if you're listening on Apple or Spotify. Both of those things really help us out. You can also find us on Patreon. It's patreon.com/beingwellodcast. And for just a couple of dollars a month, you can support the show and get a bunch of bonuses in return. I'm also writing a bit more on Substack these days. So, you can find me at substack.com and that's just under my name, Forest Hansen. Until next time, thanks for listening and I'll talk to you soon.

Protect your peace, set boundaries, don't let people drain your energy…there’s a lot of advice like that, and it’s easy to take it a little too far. Therapist and bestselling author Nedra Glover Tawwab joins me to discuss the unintended consequences of the boundaries movement. We talk about how the helpful concept of boundaries led some toward isolation and rigid standards, the spectrum from codependency to hyper-independence, why your attachment style is more flexible than you think, and how the stories we tell about ourselves become self-fulfilling. We focus on developing key aspects of healthy dependency: being able to ask for help, receive support, tolerate distance, feel comfortable in closeness, and repair after conflict.  About our Guest: Nedra Glover Tawwab is a licensed therapist, relationship expert, and best-selling author with over 2 million followers on social media. Key Topics: 0:00 Intro: Misconceptions around boundaries 7:14 What we get wrong about codependency 11:13 The consequences of individualism 15:00 How this all relates to attachment styles 21:05 Sponsor: Huel 22:50 Personal narratives and self-concept 26:50 Opposite action vs. trusting your gut 34:42 Navigating distance and boundaries in relationships 47:11 Sponsor: Shopify 48:51 "Our presence is an agreement to the conditions of the relationship" 55:51 How to move out of the shallow zone in relationships 1:07:20 Recap I'm not a clinician, and what I say on this channel should not be taken as medical advice. Sponsors: Limited Time Offer – Get Huel today with my exclusive offer of 15% OFF online with my code BEINGWELL at https://huel.com/BEINGWELL. New Customers Only. Thank you to Huel for partnering and supporting our show! Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at https://shopify.com/beingwell. Subscribe to Being Well on: Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/being-well-with-dr-rick-hanson/id1120885936 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/5d87ZU1XY0fpdYNSEwXLVQ Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (https://amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (https://apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth. Subscribe to Rick on YouTube: http://youtube.com/@RickHanson?sub_confirmation=1 Get Rick's Free Newsletters: https://rickhanson.com/writings/newsletters-from-dr-rick-hanson/ Follow Rick Here: 🌍 https://rickhanson.com/ 📸 https://www.instagram.com/rickhansonphd You can follow me here: 🎤 https://apple.co/38ufGG0 🌍 https://www.forresthanson.com 📸 https://www.instagram.com/f.hanson