Santa Claus on delivering 99% Uptime

They said the service will be super fast everywhere uh running on the edge unless you're living out of space on the North Pole. I live at the North Pole and A and it can't get me AWS Black Fiber up to the North Pole. No. Do you know how hard my ping goes? >> Rolling. You ready? I got to handle 8 billion requests every year. And that's every human with a Wi-Fi signal. Every three-year-old has a has a 5G phone. And the traffic doesn't come nice and evenly either. 11 months of cash warm up. Two weeks of DOS attack. Have you seen my ping? 8 billion requests with that ping. When Taylor Swift announced a new tour, boom, 100,000% scale up. They don't show you up to there in the graphana chart. Santa's going to see what you do. Santa's going to watch you in your sleep. I can't even get these people to accept cookies. How am I supposed to know if you've been a good or bad person all year? Am I supposed to install spyware on their phones? Every region wants their own data residency, their own tracking policy, their own banner rules. Every regulator wants a local data processing. I basically run edge computers by now. Shockingly good uptime. Phones. Everyone's on their phones. Everyone's on their phones. People are impatient. If if the form doesn't load in two second, they will uh yell it into their Instagram DM and call it a wish. React hydration takes more more than 3 seconds. Kids attention is too. Boom. The line spiked so hard. Don't show me your React componentry. Show me a four-year-old on 3G. I had kids trying to wish for tickets via my robot file. They might never get a PlayStation 6 Xbox 75 people EU GDPR people US people CACPA nowadays. That's crazy. And I'm supposed to be GDPR HIPPA compliant in all countries. I got one engineer. You know how hard is it to hire somebody working remote with North Pole time zone? We can't afford more elves. We spend it all on EKS. I'm not running some newsletter sign up. I'm running the global wish list registry. If my server is down, people don't just unsubscribe. They grow up, start podcast and stuff. Someone fails my test in March. Boom. Suddenly they need the live fix for Christmas. And I can be glad if I wake them up. Not Prometheus alert. We used to deliver Christmas on a single PHP file over FTP for 15 years. Then you guys shut up with YAML files. Now there's a service mesh just for the login screen. It was prod without a staging environment. This will send a PHP in a chronoprop. It was horrible and it worked flawlessly. We can't afford to store all the locks. We will send out a gift on a prediction now because toys are cheap, wood is cheap, EKS is not. Elastic search data dog eventual consistency eventually under the tree is not conforming to the SLA of a six-year-old. The gifts need to be delivered with a certain certainty. My SLAs's deliver joy in under 24 hours. Your SLAs's will get back on your ticket in 48 hours. Won't even get a response. Explain to me why does a wish submission form take react hydration server components and a design system? Well, I shipped Christmas 2007 on PHP5 and a MySQL box. Don't tell me what's possible. I've seen what's possible. It was prod without a staging environment. It was prod without a staging environment.

Interview with a Santa Claus Interview with a Santa Clause in 2025 with Santa Wallis - aired on © The Christmas. Programmer humor Programming memes Javascript humor React hydration Devops Grafana Cloud engineering Prometheus Observability Docker Containers K8s