130: How to Instantly Get Over a Breakup

When you open yourself to love, you are also encountering in that moment and in every moment the inevitable ending. What if in a higher plane, this person actually is a savior for you? A reclaimed woman is a woman who guards her energy fiercely and she does not take the bait of giving it up in the form of blame and finger pointing. The work of recollecting your energy, your parts, your projections from that person can be done in an instant. It can be done when you decide that this is your orientation towards endings. Imagine your former partner is in front of you. Tell him out loud. Hi and welcome back to Reclamation Radio. I am Dr. Kelly Brogan and today I want to talk about breakups. The practice that I'm going to talk you through today is an extraordinarily powerful resource for romantic endings. However, the greater landscape of unresolved relationships is very fertile terrain for reclamation. Because if we cannot come in love and go in peace from our relationships, from those entanglements, from those connections that have shaped us that were the result of some invisible thread bringing us together with this person, then we will remain in what I affectionately call the erotic caress of the enemy, sometimes for years and decades and even a lifetime. So the work of recollecting your energy, your parts, your projections from that person can be done in an instant. It can be done when you decide that this is your orientation towards endings. So I recently had an experience with psychotherapist and family constellation practitioner Elitza Velikova. And what I am going to share is an adaptation from the practice that we did as a group together. It dovetails quite perfectly with a masterclass that I recorded called Breakup Breakthrough to take you through the very spicy, salty, dicey terrain of romantic endings so that you can move forward in alchemical greatness, right? So that you can move forward with all of your threads recollected and holding in your heart all of the gifts of that experience. This is very advanced work and it is arguably the highest yield where your creative energy, where your capacity to move into the next version of you, the expanded self, the deeper connection to God and your more open channel. It depends on this perspective. So Elisa talks about the successful completion of a relationship being the moment that you can want for that person to be genuinely happy with another. That's not easy, right? Because even the past relationships that you've had that ended with some degree of harmony, it may still be challenging to want for him to be happy with someone else. Because there is a relationship with death that is asked of us every time we say yes to love. So when you open yourself to love, you are also encountering in that moment and in every moment ensuing the ending, the inevitable ending, the separation that will occur as a part of this human experience. So as we open to these experiences that invite us to humble to surrender whether it birth or love or death as we open to these experiences we encounter the opportunity to develop intimacy with the most existential of all fears So in my book, I reference, I learned about this from Maureen Selene, I reference the three yeses of healthy romantic love. I'm going to remind you, in case you haven't read them, what those are. So this is what healthy romantic love looks like. And anything shy of this is something else entirely. Anything shy of this is potentially a trauma bond, potentially an experience of working out one's relationship with their mother in partnership. And it's not to make any of that wrong. In fact, it can be quite transformational to do just that. However, the secure attachment can only really be derived from the condition set by these three yeses. Okay, so the first yes is you are 100% yes to this. I'll just use this language to this man in front of you, right? So when you meet him, when you fall in love, you are 100% yes to him as he is. Not his potential, not what he would be like post rehab, not six ayahuasca sessions later. As he is, you are a yes to him as he is. All of it, all of it. And typically we can't even perceive all of it for the first couple of months because the limerence phase, if it indeed is a phase, it is predicated on idealized projection. so what you do with the little aspects of him that arise into your awareness that are at odds with your idealized projection what you do with that whether you suppress that little no and you suppress that awareness of the ick right or whether you integrate it into your perception of this person and you say, yeah, I'm a yes to it all, is what will determine the intensity of discord, suffering, and struggle that potentially unfolds. Okay. So you're a total yes to this person. You are a total yes to their parents. So this person is half of their mother and half of their father. And it is typically the case that our partners have some degree of struggle with their parents. that is a work in progress. And it can be very tempting to triangulate and to collude against their mother or their father with them, or perhaps even against them. And the acceptance, the taking of their mother and father into this system that you are opting into your heart is the second yes. And it limits the amount of fragmentation and projection and the play in the external drama that can be possible. And the third yes is to having separate destinies. So if you can only offer somebody love because they're in relationship with you, giving you what you want and need, and then when that ends, the love becomes unavailable. Like, was it, was that love? Oh, was that? The yes to separate destinies says, I am a yes to you and the fact that you have your journey, your soul journey on this plane. that is separate from mine. We stand next to each other looking forward. And if our destinies cause us to diverge, I am a yes to that. Okay, so in this context, you may recognize that you were never actually in a position to offer this individual love. And so now cleaning up and resolving and reclaiming yourself from this, terrain of ending may become a little bit easier. Okay, because one of the key ingredients, I'm going to share with you a couple of the ingredients for alchemy post breakup. One of the key ones is for you to relinquish the need to be perceived as innocent, as good, as right, and to take your responsibility for the challenges and eventual ending in the relationship. How is it that you might said yes to a relationship that was actually a little no inside So you took this poor bargain and you said I make it work it good enough And you proceeded, even though a lot of you was rejecting that which you were saying yes to. How can you take responsibility for the way that you showed up to the ending of the relationship? How can you take responsibility for inducing in him behaviors that ultimately led you to choose to leave, for example. So taking responsibility for your part. Next, how can you wear the villain crown? Okay, so it's taking this a bit farther. The villain crown practice is one of the most powerful ways to resolve superiority. So the superiority that many of us feel in the wake of an ending is a kind of poison that contaminates our perception. The truth is that you don't know better than him what he needs, what he should know, what he needs to do, and what's best for him. You don't, actually. You don't know better for anyone, okay? So how can you stay in your lane and resolve the impulse to get him to see what it is that you're so enlightened about, right? Resolve the need to educate him about what went wrong and take the opportunity to really listen to what it is that he is saying is not working, that he doesn't like, even if it's from like super victim-y language that is so triggering and difficult to hear. Maybe it's even a gaslight, right? But how can you wear this villain crown, allow it to be true for just a few moments and see, is there anything there? Is there any way that allowing this to be true, that I am, you know, selfish or disrespectful or whatever it is, allowing this to be true frees you on some level to be also that and still you. Okay. Next would be to recognize the good in the experience and maybe even recognize how and why this experience delivers you to an understanding, awareness, emotional capacity to contact with aspects of yourself that you would have never met, right? These deeply covert, victim-y recesses of ourselves that often we need somebody to introduce us to, okay? So because we're in the reclamation game here, we're not going to stop at, He did this to me. This is no fair. Can you believe it? We are going to meet the aspects of ourselves that are feeling something. We're going to enter through the upside. We're going to meet those parts thanks to this person. So often in the 3D, this person can look like a villain. But what if in a higher plane, in a more informed design, this person actually is a savior for you? So how can you recognize the good? Were there good moments? Were there experiences that you had that you can appreciate? And maybe even you can zoom out on the metaphysical level and say, yes, this was a catalytic gift for me already. I see that. And then lastly, I would say, you know, what is it that you won't ever deal with again? What is it that you're so excited to be disburdened of? How is it that your nervous system can begin to exhale already? Because that, whatever that is, fill in the blank, is now over. Okay, so with that context, and if you want to dive deeper into this, the recorded masterclass on breakup breakthrough will probably be very helpful for you. However, I want to offer this practice because I think if there are more of us doing this practice, there will be, I mean, just this practice alone, this orientation towards endings, there will be so much more coherent energy within each individual who would otherwise remain ensnared in this endless loop of vital force leakage So it excites me that more of us could potentially take this approach to really coming in love and going in peace from our dynamics And again this is about romantic relationships but you could apply this to any seemingly unresolved dynamic. Okay. So what you will do on your own is stand in your space. And you could even use this, these prompts as you're doing it. You could write them down or you could just familiarize yourself with it and do a version of this that feels available to you kind of off script. Imagine your former partner is in front of you. Notice how your body feels in his presence. Tell him out loud, thank you for the time that we spent. You will always be a part of my life. I take my responsibility for, and then you can share what it is that you take your responsibility for. I leave your responsibility to you. so I give you back and I leave to the past and then you fill in the blank it could be jealousy resentment fear of punishment what is it that you are leaving in the past where it belongs I take back and then you fill in the blank with something that you feel you lost in this relationship. Could be your energy, your sense of self-confidence, could be other relationships or family experiences. I take back and then switch places, move your body and turn around so that you are in his shoes. Now feel how your body takes shape. What openness, contraction, bigness, smallness, sensations arise. See if there's anything that he wants to say to you and say that out loud. And then ask what he needs and then allow him, you as him, to verbalize that. So he may say, I need you to see how hard I tried. I need you to see that I'm good. And acknowledge that he may prefer to be angry than actually let you go. It's a way to remain connected to you. and he may not be ready. And now you can return to your shoes and say thank you. I am myself, and you are yourself. I release everything that binds us from my entire being, and I let you go from my body, heart, and mind. You are free from me, and I am free from you. You don't owe me, and I don't owe you and I withdraw all of my expectations from you now. Then you take a step back and you exit the practice. So these prompts are indicators of the perspective, the beliefs, the ideas, and the comportment that will ultimately allow you to retain your energy, to reclaim your energy. Because, I've said it before and I'll say it again, a reclaimed woman is a woman who guards her energy fiercely and she does not take the bait of giving it up in the form of blame and finger pointing in the form of self-defensiveness and in the form of proving that she's right, proving that she's worthy. proving that she is anything other than herself and proving that she is anything other than herself alive in this moment and that that's enough. I hope this has been helpful. If you are interested in going deeper, check out the masterclass recording and let me know how this lands. I think that's why my future's life.