156: 50-Minute Masterclass on Man-Woman Dynamics: Biology, Relatioships & Status

You can see how this seeming war, this zero-sum game between the sexes has been for many, many decades very well seeded. You layer on a couple of socially engineered constructs that then get supported potentially by your family of origin, supported by your schooling. What are these agendas? There's three that I think contribute to the dynamics that we are struggling with between men and women today. Then there is the crown jewel of PSYOPs, which is feminist programming. Feminism abandoned ideologically an effort to figure out how men and women can live and thrive together and instead pursued the tech-enabled drive to liberate ourselves from our biology altogether. The doors are open to my 2026 live Audacious Embodiment event in Miami, May 15th through 17th. And I'm calling all of my ladies who are ready to stop pretending, performing, curating and managing a rigid identity. This weekend, we will be focusing on four Ps because I love alliteration. pattern disrupt. We are going to lay fresh snow on your mountain so that you can ski new tracks because experiences that take you out of your routine and stimulate all of the right conditions allow you to shift your identity even after one weekend. The next is permission field because when you know what's possible, when you are modeled and templated, a new breadth of experience for yourself as a woman. You get to be more of yourself. And here's the thing. When you're attending a retreat or a training, you need to choose a space holder who has owned more of his or her shit than you have because they can expand that permission field for you. And if you ask any of my friends or my family, they will tell you that I have done my share of pivots and am pretty practiced at being bad and wrong so that I can facilitate this expansion of your permission field in the space of just a few days, maybe even just a few minutes. The next P is pleasure because it deserves to sit in the proper place in the hierarchy of your priorities as an everyday experience. I also am very focused on creating the conditions for the pleasure that we experience as women together. It is so healing and so powerful. The last P is polarity. Because your girl just came off of a David Data teacher training. I have many nuggets to share. And I have a very particular perspective on what it is to be a woman in her feminine power. And no, it is not rose petal baths and rage catharsis in groups on retreat. Okay. The second edition of Audacious Embodiment Live will feature more practice time with yours truly by request of the previous audience members. And also, of course, daily dance, sensual movement and transformational practices that will expand your experience of your own body as a woman and create the conditions for more aliveness in your daily life and a total rebrand on who you get to be as a woman in this world. I cannot wait to squeeze you in Miami this May. The link is in show notes and also at kellybroganmd.com forward slash A-E. Hi, and welcome to Reclamation Radio. I am Dr. Kelly Brogan. And today I would like to offer a little masterclass on man-woman dynamics, specifically in service of those of you who are struggling in relationship, who believe relationships to be your specific karma and the arena of your life scape that seems to pull you off of your stable ground the most readily. I would like to talk about how it is that we got into this situation and some very practical tips for both men and women about how to move beyond familiar patterns. Interesting story. I first presented this material to a group of men because I typically find myself at female-focused events. However, I was asked to speak at a tech and crypto founder invite-only event and decided to adapt some of what I have to say so that it is It's male inclusive. How about that? So this will be a rare bit of material that you can share with the men in your life. And I hope that it resonates. It did in that setting. So I'm here with it. I want to start out with a brief visualization. Okay. So I want you to imagine a woman who is on her knees and there's a man in front of her. His hand is placed firmly on her shoulder, and they are gazing at each other, so they're making eye contact. And I want you to feel the circuit of energy that is moving up, down, and around these two bodies. specifically, can you feel, envisioning that woman, how much dynamism is kinetically active inside of her? How much of this energy is moving either up and out of her crown or down through the top of her head and out the bottom of her spine? It's moving, it's alive, It's swirling. And I want you to feel this man's body as stillness, openness, steadiness, presence, and that they connect in this energetic dynamic. And a circuit is closed, a very specific circuit. Okay, so this is the power of polarity. It's the play of energy and attention, light and consciousness. There are all sorts of dyads that you can apply to describe what is going on here. But it is two very biologically different things interacting in complementarity through the very specific design of their polar energies. So we may know, like carry a knowing deep within that there is something extraordinarily powerful that is possible between a man and a woman. And yet we find ourselves in these relational patterns where repair is challenging, where misunderstandings are rampant, where a kind of punitive, competitive, zero-sum game energy is defining the union. The thing is, there's no winning the war. There's no agreeing to disagree. There's not even a truce. There's no being right about how wronged you are that can possibly lead to intimacy. There's only complementarity. There's only the embrace of these differences in service of a complementary exchange. But while so many of us, especially those who have identified their patterns as consistent with anxious attachment, so many of us imagine that we are deeply yearning for connection and intimacy. The truth is, that is revealed by our patterns of failed dynamics, that we are terrified of the vulnerability that attends that kind of intimacy and the aliveness of the emotional currency that we would have to learn to contain. I think that this triangulation against life force, against heroes, against aliveness actually begins very early in our lives when we are pit against our own vital force and a shame wall is erected. When we are in school and we are told when we can eat, when we can pee, we are conditioned to imagine that we are not masters of the domain of our own bodies. When we are told by our well-meaning parents, perhaps, to stop crying, gaslit, and told that we're okay when we are clearly not. When we are taken to the doctor who knows best about what's actually going on in your body, There is a separation that happens from the pulsing, beating, secreting body that is the expression of you and all of the energies that move through it that we call emotions. There is this segregation of the conceptualized identity of the self from everything else that attends a human relationship that is expressed through the senses. And this triangulation is further crystallized through dynamics with our parents. So the zero-sum game, the villain and the victim and the rescuer triangle is something that we are enculturated around from very, very early on. I think that the specific wounds that we experience in dynamic with our same and opposite gendered parent are eroticized. I'm not the only one who thinks this, they're eroticized so that we are attracted to dynamics that bring forward the same pattern of perceived rejection, betrayal, abandonment that we experienced back then so that we can complete the cycle, so that we can reparent, so that we can show up for ourselves in a way that we did not experience as little kids. So let's talk a bit about father wounds. So when our father holds monstrous energy, he holds dark masculine energy. He is the villain for you as a daughter. You experience protection, right? You experience safety. However, when it is turned towards you to any capacity, whether it is frank abuse or neglect or emotional misattunement, you suffer the wound of unsafety. So that monstrosity, if we want to use that word, must exist, first of all, because otherwise you're being raised by a Peter Pan boy. And if it does, it has to be a villainy that is positioned against the rest of the world that would threaten you. But when it is bleeding into the space in your dynamic, there is a kind of woundology that, to borrow Carolyn Mace's term, that begins to crystallize. So the father wounded woman feels unsafe and she compensates for that through a certain collection of patterns and defensive structuring. So she says, I don't need help. I've got me. She is hyper independent. She has a relationship to her own feelings where they actually just need to be fixed, like their problems that need to go away. She is vigilantly productive. So she's a to do list doer. She's also quite impatient. She is somebody who criticizes men, who competes with them, who takes opportunities to shame them. And of course, she is a micromanager because these are the tactics that she has learned to offer herself a sense of security, if not safety. And I would say that one of the greatest shadows of this wound is the impulse to get him to see. So she develops a pattern of using rhetoric, using explanation, using her mind to convince a man who doesn't share her reality necessarily. So let's say in a relational dynamic, she's going to get him to see her perspective. And she's typically going to do that through words. So this woman is aroused then by the emotionally unavailable man. So she either chooses the bad boy or she opts for the nice guy who is the neutered, seemingly safer version, although he lacks that monstrous villainy, right? that dark masculine that he can offer her as protection from the perils of the world so that her system can finally exhale. So in this, if you look at any show or movie, The Notebook or whatever, you will see this patterning where you either get to choose the bad boy or the nice guy, and the nice guy is fine and daddy's pleased with him. However, the bad boy is the one who has your panties wet. So this is an unintegrated relationship to what Jung would call the negative animus, right? It is a play, an experience of connection to that source of hurt that is externalized into this person. And once we integrate it, the experience of healthy, securely attached love becomes available. And so a mother wounded man, on the other hand, has typically experienced what is often referred to quite provocatively, but probably accurately, as emotional incest. He has been spousified, parentified in some way that he has played the role of a partner for his mother and learned that he has great power to emotionally regulate her if he pleases her So she becomes less scary less consuming less overwhelming and overpowering if he plays along So the making of this kind of nice guy you can even almost like feel it is like a smoldering molten river of rage, resentment, and primal yang energy that gets suppressed beneath a pleaser and a fawner. So mother wounded men have a fear of being consumed. And so we'll often inhabit the avoidant pole of the attachment spectrum. Mother wounded men are in relationship to their own feelings where they are terrified. So they're less pragmatic, less effective than father wounded women probably, right? So they have these outbursts and suppression cycles. And of course, there's very little intimacy with what's actually going on in their own inner world. They typically have an attenuation of claim. And there's probably a lot of reasons for this in modern society, including xenoestrogens and all the reasons that testosterone is plummeting the world over. However, there's an attenuation of claim energy, of a kind of healthy aggression, of a predator energy that says, that's mine, I will have that. These men are pretty intolerant of anything that resembles critical feedback because they perceive it as failure almost immediately. They struggle with body shame and they typically seek women who are going to take care of them while also sourcing validation often from multiple women, not necessarily through sex or any kind of romantic intimacy, but just through attention. So you've probably heard about diversifying investments and saving for the future. But what about becoming your own bank and opting out of high interest loans and difficult decisions about whether to sell off an asset? As a single woman and a mother, my whole system exhaled when I learned about the specific and unique whole life insurance policies that my now friends Josh and Ken offer. So unlike crypto stocks and even gold, you can borrow the money that you invest in this policy even days after you deposit it. You can actually choose never to pay it back because it comes off of the death benefit, which is exponentially more than you put in over the years. and your policy keeps compounding and growing as if you didn't touch it. There's nothing else, based on my research, not one other type of investment that allows for that. Every other investment or asset depreciates the minute you liquidate it. And by the way, try not paying back your home loan or HELOC. The strategy is super flexible and it's super low stress. These guys go above and beyond to make sure that you and your family are set up with the best policy. And I've now referred them hundreds of folks who have given me the same feedback. I'm pretty skilled, I think, at attracting sleeper resources that are game changing. So I am delighted to put you on. Go listen to episode 153 of Reclamation Radio. We unpack the whole thing in a way that makes sense. And if you want someone to run the numbers of your specific situation, book a free call with my friends, Josh and Ken over at KellyBroganMD.com forward slash whole. So when you just look at the caricature, and of course, men are often father wounded, women are often mother wounded, but I'm just sort of teasing apart some of the material from my last book, The Reclaimed Woman, so that you can get the flavor of how it is that we ended up here from the societal programming that says your urges, your energy, your vital force is something that you should feel ashamed of. and is something that isn't yours to command, coupled with dynamics that happen in our household that teach us how to relate to our own inner dynamics, right? Then you layer on a couple of agendas, right? Like a couple of socially engineered constructs that then get supported potentially by your family of origin, supported by your schooling, supported by the culture in the hegemony of American culture the world over now. And you can see how this seeming war, this zero-sum game between the sexes has been for many, many decades very well seeded to the extent that we find ourselves in a unique moment I'm going to get into. Okay, so what are these agendas? I mean, this could be a whole weekend workshop and is unpacked pretty extensively in my last book. However, in summary, there's three that I think contribute to the dynamics that we are struggling with between men and women today and the victim consciousness on both sides of the aisle that is keeping us from tapping into the complementarity and potential of sacred union that is available, that will be ever more available as we begin to wake up out of the anesthetized experience that we've been doing. in over the past many years of forgetting who we are as women, forgetting who we are as men, and why it is that we need each other. Okay. So the sexual liberation agenda is one in which we imagined as women that if we could only fuck like men, meaning no strings attached, hedonistic, premarital, you know, sort of anything goes sex, that we would finally feel free, that there would be an equal playing field and there would be this playing field chiefly because of birth control, right? So now with contraceptive pharmaceutical technology, we have erased the difference between men and women. And so when we have sex that just feels good to have, the burden of any potential biological consequences is now shared because there are no real emotional consequences because we're pretending and gaslighting ourselves as women, that we are the same, right? So to imply and suggest that we have an emotional relationship to the bonding that is conferred through sexual activity is to imply that we are weak or vulnerable and know we are the same, we are equal. So this neutralization actually requires that we numb ourselves emotionally and pretend that we are not actually wired to experience sex-related bonding differently and to experience also a drive towards monogamous pairing versus diversified partners that is different than a man's. So what are some of the fruits of this? Well, we have the porn industry. We have generations of cuckolded men who are developing their sexuality by watching other men fuck other women on a screen. These men are sexually unskilled. We are in a sex recession. We have failed partnerships. We have a fundamental disruption in the structure of status in society, but specifically for women. Because the access to status through our sexual marketability and attractiveness is, as Jordan Peterson often says, something that has an expiration date, right? And the status that we achieve through our own sexual gatekeeping, through the permission to access our sexuality only granted to eligible men, to men who are embodying a father archetype, a provider, protector energy. When we eliminate that gatekeeping, we surrender one of the most fundamental aspects of our social power. And we imagine that we've exchanged it now for something called freedom as if birth control is not one of the most toxic chemicals that a woman can expose her body to, as if it is effective to the point where we don't have more abortions today than men killed in all the wars. We imagine that there is a capacity that the average woman has to take multiple sexual partners and not yearn for some deeper commitment, connection, communication, or emotional connection post-coitally. So all of this is baked into this movement that we think has really served us as men and women. And actually, if you look at who has really been served, we just transitioned from being domestic pleasers, right? So the woman in the home who is supposed to please her husband to now women who are, you know, reading 10 tips in Cosmo magazine about how to be more sexually magnetic to just any and all men out there, right? And many would argue, and I've recorded several podcasts on this subject that I'll link in show notes, but many have argued that the primary beneficiary of this sexual liberation movement is actually men who have now access to nubile women over the course of their entire lives. So the second PSYOP is the new age, right? So you might be thinking, well, what is the problem with the new age and how could that possibly be contributing to anything other than men and women coming together to feel their feelings and process and discuss and spiritual settings all over the world? There's a lot of healing going on, isn't there? Well, I would argue that the prototypical new age man is fundamentally neutered, that he is fundamentally disconnected from this dark masculine, this yang energy, this monstrosity energy that I referenced earlier. So a man who is encouraged to feel his feelings, especially in the company of other women, is being programmatically feminized. I personally believe that ritualistic plant medicine is a big part of this feminization and that the processing and discussing of your feelings as a man, it may seem validating. It may seem like you're moving in a more vulnerable and therefore mature direction. However, the results, the consequence, when this is done in mixed gender settings, is quite problematic for polarity, for eros, and for sexual complementarity. So in New Age circles, men are in their hearts, and women are often in catharsis together or in front of men. I mean, there's so many settings where women are actually dissecting at men their rage. And of course, there's a place for catharsis. However, for the most part, becoming your own container so that you can experience your inner emotions in a mature way is not something facilitated by endless rounds of catharsis. catharsis, and the kind of victim consciousness and psychology that is embedded in these seemingly reparative dynamics. Do you have angry women feeling justified, feeling, you know, even fetishizing their expression of that anger, and then you have men who are encouraged to soften. I think that is a recipe for some dysfunctional dynamics. There's also this idea that then there is taboo sex, right? So there's like BDSM, dirty, nasty sex, but then there's energetic lovemaking and eye gazing and that split between light and dark. I see often very well patterned in the kind of superiority and sense of, I don't know, like spiritual ego that can emerge from these spaces. So then there is the crown jewel of PSYOPs, which is feminist programming. I have a lot to say about this, recorded several podcasts about this, wrote much of The Reclaimed Woman on this subject because it was the most profound of all of the PSYOPs for me to wake up to. As a card-carrying feminist my entire life, who was really just an immature and wounded woman who hadn't yet integrated that negative animus and resolved my projections. It felt very empowering to imagine that I could do what a man could do, bleeding, to imagine that I was entitled, that somebody went to MIT and became a doctor. I was entitled to all of the things that men were and I have feminism and all of the women before me to thank for that. Well, you can imagine I was pretty shocked to do the same research that I did around the conventional medical industry. When I applied it to this particular topic, I was surprised and also not to discover the same Rockefeller funding to look at all of the reasons that the feminist agenda served. the greater agenda of disrupting the family unit, of rendering children the ward of the state, of positioning the state and associated subsidies as the provider. This actually has a term, where men are displaced functionally by the state itself, and the taxpayer pool is suddenly now doubled. So the illusion that we have, and I will be having Rachel Wilson on the show to unpack this because I think she does an extraordinary job in her book, Occult Feminism. The illusion that women wanted this and that they actually were unhappy with their existing role in society and the division of responsibilities between men and women that existed before the right to vote for example is shocking to me It really was to understand that actually women did not want this. This was engineered and for the reasons I mentioned and more. And the result is the greatest zero-sum game of all time. The most significant shift in the fabric of society, the world over, again, this is like the hegemony of our American antics and the impact of this the world over is so profound. And now we have this zero-sum game between men and women where we imagine that as women, we win when they lose. So if you have a parent or an aging loved one who is struggling with balance, joint stiffness, or simply getting around, you may have wondered what you can possibly do to support them. And I believe that I have found the solution for our parents if you are in my generation. So Juvent's micro impact platform is one of the most effective and science backed ways to improve mobility because it delivers precise, low magnitude vibrations through the soles of the feet that improve circulation and help maintain stability. There's no sweating. There's no strain. You literally just stand on it for 10 minutes a day. I speak to the Juvent CEO, Rush Simonson, in episode 114, and I learned that his own mother, who was in her 90s, went from bed bound to fully mobile with this simple daily routine. So if you want to be sure that somebody that you love stays healthy and independent, go to Juvent.com forward slash Kelly Brogan and use the code Kelly 300 for $300 off at checkout. you can bring this incredible science-backed tool into their lives. And I think it's one of the most thoughtful and powerful investments that you can make in their well-being. So again, it's juvent.com forward slash Kelly Brogan, and the code is Kelly 300. So basically we said, I want what he's having, right? And we allowed ourselves to be colonized by masculine values, achievement, success, linear energy dynamics, intellectualism, and even aggression. We said, we'll suppress our emotions with antidepressants, no problem. One in four women on these medications should tell you that the foundational premise of this arrangement is not working. If one in four women feel the need to be on psychotropics, okay? So yes, we'll suppress our emotions. We will suppress our cycles with birth control. We will reject our wounds and our distinguishing biological features. We'll pathologize childbirth, dismiss breastfeeding. We'll let our babies leave our hands. And we will tell ourselves that a mother's care is totally interchangeable with anybody else's. So we took the bait specifically of victim consciousness, which always involves projecting and obsessing about the villain out there. So the erotic caress of the enemy, I like to call it. And we blamed men for our suffering. So in that way, we bond ourselves to exactly that which we are rejecting. And we set out to prove ourselves capable and worthy of the very same qualities that we label as bad and wrong. It's like dressing up like the monster you're terrified of, of Halloween and, you know, trying to laugh your way around the block. So we lost, we've lost ourselves. I think we took a poor bargain and we've specifically lost connection to our feminine essence and the power that is our female biology. We've also lost orientation around the native source of fulfillment for us as women, which is our true drive. It is the need for safety. It's not, in my opinion, freedom. That's a masculine value. It's the need for safety that allows us to experience the full unfoldment and unfurling and blossoming of our feminine essence. So the fruits of feminism include that we are now able to serve as corporate baddies, right? We're able to have commitment-free sex. We're able to take toxic birth control. We're able to mother our emasculated partners to our heart's extent, and we are able to provide for ourselves and others only to come home and manage 70% of the invisible labor additionally. As my friend Alyssa says, we have been freezing our eggs instead of our careers. And these fruits seem to benefit the least noble aspects of men, biotech, and the marketplace. I'm not sure that we are the ones actually enjoying the fullest expression of these entitlements. So in so many ways, feminism abandoned ideologically an effort to figure out how men and women can live and thrive together on this plane and instead pursued the tech-enabled drive to liberate ourselves from our biology altogether. And it is not actually working for us and serving our happiness and fulfillment by any metrics that have been analyzed. So this sounds, all of this, like, well, this is a mess. We're all really damaged goods. And there are now decades of societal, ideological, foundational beliefs that are standing in the way of a healthy reunion of the sexes. But that's where I like to invoke, well, there's many places I like to invoke David Data's work. I actually attended a teacher training last year of his work, and it was extraordinarily life-changing. I have a whole solo episode if you want the tea on that. However, I like to apply his stages, if you're familiar with them, to the kind of meta of what we're going through, because it helps me personally to get out of the sense of nihilistic grief, disappointment, a sense of powerlessness that would otherwise look at where we are and say, like, I don't even know where we go from here. In his stages, the first stage is this zero-sum game, right? It is the woman who is, and this is in a two-person relationship, right? So it's typically the woman, or he would say the feminine essence being, who is looking to secure validation from the outside. And so she uses her feminine tools, her sexuality, her beauty. she leverages these to secure that and she extracts it almost from the man in front of her. She's looking out for herself. She's looking to get her needs met. The man in that dynamic is doing the exact same. So it's a mirror. So he would be the one who has, you know, he's got the car and the Rolex and he has secured these external trappings of his own masculine validation. And now he's looking to experience that validation and feminine energy from his partner. He's looking to get his needs met. So that is a very victim-y dynamic. The second stage, so you could argue like this is where we came from in more, I mean, what is history even? Who knows? But let's say, you know, in more survival oriented times, there was an understanding that men and women are different, but it was almost like a caricature, like a cartoon of those differences energetically. And there still was this zero sum game energy of I'm getting mine for me. He's getting his for him. Right. So you're not on the same team fundamentally. Fundamentally. So through all of these leverage points that I've referenced, we have somehow moved collectively into what he would describe relationally as the second stage where women have recognized the feminine essence being has recognized that it's actually better for her if she takes care of herself. So she learns how to meet her own needs. She becomes the independent, self-sufficient woman. And the man in this dynamic gets to the place where he is still unfulfilled, even though he has the trappings of a masculine man. He has the success and the money and all the things. and he goes off on a spiritual walkabout, grows his hair along, starts doing yoga, lives in Bali and surfs so that he can resource himself in his own feminine energy. So this is very sexually neutralizing. And in so many ways, this is where we are, right? Like this is where we are collectively. We're in this experience of the masculinized woman, the feminized man. and you could say like, oh, well, we're just all wounded and messed up, but perhaps this is the stage so that we can get to the third stage, which is devotional service to one and other. It is an experience of the polarity of the other so that you can go to places energetically and somatically that would not otherwise be available to yourself. And to do that, you take on your role. And even though as a woman, you can do it for yourself, you recognize the power of appreciation, admiration, and submission, let's say, even to surrender. And you do that in service of your own expansion, right? So in this devotional dynamic, you're on the same team in service of love and consciousness. So are we moving there? I don't know. That seems exciting to me. And I imagine that there will be more and more templates of this kind of relationship, of this kind of dynamic. However, there are a lot of soft skills that we can begin to practice. And I want to share some of those now just so that you can take something away that you can start playing with even today. But first, I want to reference a definition of love that I learned from Maureen Selene in her book. And she is a family constellation practitioner in her book, Connected Fates, Separate Destinies. And this has become my North Star for what actual love is versus transactional dynamics versus a kind of codependent experience of the other as a projection of your own shadow material. Okay. So there are three yeses in this rubric. The first yes is to the person as they are. Literally as they are. Not if they go to therapy, rehab, do plant medicine, if they finally lose the 60 pounds. When you are engaging into the consideration of an intimate contract with this person, you are seeing them with what I would call sober eyes. And you're saying, yes, I'm a 100% yes to you as you are. That's love. Anything else is aggression. and it is no wonder that people do not respond well to the insistence that what you are offering is love when you are truly expecting them to change and adulterate themselves to suit your needs. Okay, so 100% yes to who they are. You are 100% yes to their parents, right? How often is it the case that there is a projection of what you reject in your partner onto one of their parents? right? Like the trope about the in-laws. Well, your partner is half of each of their parents. So you have to be a yes. You have to take and accept as they are his parents. And then you are a 100% yes to having separate destinies, which means that the love that you have to offer is not conditional upon what it is that you are being offered back, right? So when you have separate destinies with somebody, it could mean that you go different ways, right? In life, it could mean that there is some sort of divergence. And can you still imagine accessing the same love that you would have if they were your devoted partner for life? So I love that. No pun intended. And I like to work with that as the foundation for any healthy dynamic and specifically marriage. So I've spoken a lot about marriage on this podcast and why it serves men, women, and children. And when I say marriage, I don't necessarily mean the legal contract. I mean the covenant. So I'm going to talk about these tips in the context of marriage. So So my instructions for women are to start with a biological reunion with your body. So I often teach about, I joke that I call it urinary reclamation. And what I mean by that is that you start to work with your own biological need to pee as something that you're honoring in a different way. So you speak about it differently, which means that you don't say, I'm going to go pee quick. I'll be right back. Just give me two minutes. You start to change your language around accommodating the social expectations of the person in front of you and subordinating your own biological impulses to that accommodation right? So you're just going to say, I'm going to the bathroom. And then you take that opportunity to experience the inbuilt pleasure available to you at any given moment. So there is extraordinary pleasure in moving from the sensation of having to pee to the relief of having peed. And this inbuilt pleasure, the fact that it's just there waiting for you to pay attention, is a part of how you begin to take up occupancy again, spiritually and consciously in your own body. Okay. So you start with basic biological practices like that, and then you learn to self-husband. So I teach a lot about this in the Relaxed Woman System. What does self-husbanding mean? It essentially means that you learn to offer yourself the safety and containment in the moments where you are most likely to pick up your old addictive habits of self-abandonment and rejection. And through that process, you become softer, slower, and quieter in the moments where you would normally yap. And it involves being present and attentive in very, very simple ways to your own felt experience. So one of the practices that I teach is called entering through the upset. What that means is that you take every single opportunity, big or small, that you feel upset, and you clock 60 to 90 seconds where you feel your spine, you allow your gaze to inhabit that devoted husband, I'm here for you, baby, what you got kind of energy. And you simply track the sensations that are inside. You're going to want to meaning make, you're going to want to, if you've been in the self-help arena for a long time, like think about your childhood patterns and what's coming up here dynamically. No, you are literally going to offer your sacred masculine attention, if you want to call it that, to the swirling femininity inside. And this pattern disrupt, I believe, is the most powerful thing you can offer yourself as a woman because you are no longer treating your felt experience as a problem to be solved and you're no longer avoiding and distracting yourself from the simple attentive presence to it. So that is an example of self-husbanding. You might have a sense that supporting your energetic and subtle body is important, but how exactly does one do that? Like short of scheduling regular sessions with an energy healer, how do you do that? Most of the time I find that when we take supplements, it's from the energy of fixing ourselves. And honestly, it's really no different than taking a medication at that point. That's why I love flower remedies. And specifically, my girl Katie Hess's elixirs from Lotus Way. The formulations that she creates are so nuanced that sometimes it feels like I wrote the descriptions myself. The last one I took was designed to dissolve go-go-go mentality as well as fatigue, weakness, apathy, and resistance to self-care. Relatable? Okay. I have a monthly membership called Flower Revolution where I get a new and super powerful on-point remedy sent to me every month. And it blows my mind how resonant each one is with exactly where I am in my process. I think of this as a truly feminine investment that harmonizes my process and allows me to walk, talk and interact with grace. You can try it for a month or six at the link below. And if you just want to dip a toe in to learn more about how flowers heal, you can take their quiz. And then in dynamic with your man, you are going to reference, study and learn the practices of women like Laura Doyle and others who are out there teaching how to be a wife. You don't have to be a wife. OK, thank you, feminism. You do not have to be a mother. You can choose these things. And if you're going to choose to be a wife, it's important to learn what that means. What actually is that contract? What actually is the polarized dynamic? What is your role? I think one of the simplest and most powerful points of education around this is to remember that men, according to many, including my teacher, Umar Pani, have a green light and a red light. If as a woman, you are interacting with your man, you're literally either pushing one or the other. I shouldn't say literally, it's very Miami of me. You're figuratively pushing one or the other. So when you are pushing a red light, there's no getting to a green light through a red light, right? So remember what I said about getting him to see. There's no green lights that come through that. So this is about the dividends that you get paid, your ROI. So if you want what you get from a man when his green light is lit, then you must learn to press the green light. So a couple of ways to do that are to cease all efforts to help him. And there might be some bait that is set where he's asking for your help or whatever. And you're going to say whatever you think in that situation. And the place I like to encourage women to start with this is in the car. So I can be in a car with a couple for two minutes and diagnose the Eros in their relationship as thriving or flailing. And that's because the woman in the passenger seat will micromanage, direct, correct, and dump her uncontained anxiety onto him. Meanwhile, this guy's probably been driving for a good long while before you came into the picture and when you're not actually in the car with him. And it is one of the great places that our neuroses are exposed. So you can start there. You can sprinkle in a couple of other practices, including guarding his reputation. So making sure that you are the one out there in the world who is always supporting his honor. Right? So that means you do not ever shit talk your man. You don't henpeck men in general because it does not serve what you want from that dynamic. It confuses your own inner dynamics. And it really fosters that victim consciousness. So you are responsible for the veto, for the no in dynamic. So that doesn't mean that you don't get veto power. In fact, that is the primary power that you have is to express your no, what doesn't work for you, what it is that you don't want. And if you have daughters, remember that this is a powerful skill that a woman must develop is to know her no and to never ignore that. Never, ever, ever settle and pretend that you're not aware of your own no. And then there's also the art of nonverbal expression. So I love alliteration and I will link a free audio series that I have called The Soft Power Protocol below, where I teach this a little bit more in depth. But I like to remind myself and others that there's three A's, right? Apparent, alchemize, ask. So apparent is to show it, don't say it. To express like, hmm, ouch, right? Like these nonverbal forms of simple expression that don't involve an editorial narrative. and they're very raw and in the moment. Then you alchemize it, right? So you go and you work with your own feeling state for the minutes that I suggested, okay? And you can also do another practice that I recommend called the villain crown, right? Where you look at the thing that you think is going wrong, the thing that you're disappointed in, the thing that you're frustrated in, and you just try on the possibility that you are also embodying that, right? So you alchemize it. you work with that judgmental, critical, rejecting energy. And that leads you to ask, where you learn how to ask with pure desire, what it is that you want. And usually that statement begins with, I'd love. When they are wondering if they should stay or if they should go, I like to think of these three doors. So there is the inner commitment to stay. And if you in your bones believe that you want to be in this relationship, that this is a dynamic that serves your growth, expansion, fulfillment, happiness, this is your spiritual technology, then it is imperative that you get off the fence and start acting like a woman who chose this man because you also can leave right you can join the ranks of women who leave and be legally supported and otherwise facilitated in that exit if you know in your bones that this was a season in your life that this is no longer something that you can consciously choose on a daily basis, then you take all of yourself and you exit. But when I really like Pat Allen's teachings on this, when she says that it's important that you get to a place of empathy and apathy, where you feel like, I get it. I get how you are you. I'm me. And this was what went on. And apathy meaning like, it's not an emergency that you leave. You're at the place where you're like, this is just the next thing that happens, right? Because otherwise you're in a relationship with a ghost after you have left sometimes for years on end. But then the third door is kind of like if you're not really clear. And that's also fair, right? Confusion is the terrain of transition. So in that case, I advocate for women to ask for their man to solve the problem and to say something like, you know, I'm flailing, I'm overwhelmed, I feel confused and unhappy. And I know that I need some space and time to feel myself. How do you think we can do that? Because if you live together, if there's kids and all of the logistical complexities, that this be a time-bound experience of separation where you really do take all of your energy back and begin to fill your own cup until you have clarity. So obviously I have tons to say on this subject for women. And really the only tip that I have, suggestion that I have for men in this arena is to learn containment, right? So there are many people like Omrapani and David Data and Eli Buren and others who are out there teaching the art of containment to men and what it is biologically, right? So how do you use your voice? How do you use your posture? How do you use your stature? What even it looks like to dress like a man who is offering that, what it looks like to behave in a space with other people when you are a man offering that. And of course, you're offering it not just to your woman, but to other men, women and children, right? This is your responsibility in terms of your own regulation of your own system. And it's something that you can transmit. So physically, energetically. It could even be in the tone of your voice. And I recognize that learning to offer containment is the same journey that we're on as women learning to offer ourselves safety because it requires a kind of flexible yet sturdy nervous system that is your path, right? It's your path home to yourself. And so it's not that I, you know, diminish what it would be to do silent retreats and take martial arts classes and do all the things that can help to train a man's system around stability and stillness. But that is what is required of you in dynamic. So I will end with an outlander quote, because of course I will, which to me invokes the energy of this sacred union that I feel in service to. Okay. A man's life springs from his woman's bones, and in her blood is his honor christened. Love it. Until next time. 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