This Week on the Internet: Iran War Proves Men Are Shallow

This week on the internet, as the Ayatollah got fired with extreme prejudice and as everyone became an expert on foreign policy overnight, the internet is more concerned with whether or not Iranian women are the Latinas of the Middle East. Well, that's where we are as a civilization, guys. Missiles are flying in and out of Iran, and the first thing guys think is, "Cool, but who are those hot women?" And naturally, Silicon Valley tech virgins saw that and thought, "Business opportunity." Yeah, that's right. There's now an app that lets you find dates in a bomb shelter. Which actually does make some sense because these days your first date might also be your last. Kids, this is the story of how I met your mother and why you glow in the dark. On another note, Ayatolli On another note, Ayatollah Alireza Arafi was killed on his first day as supreme leader. So if you're complaining about your first day on the job, just remember at least you made it to day two. Speaking of world leaders, Kier Starmer released a video this week showing how hard he's been working on the crisis. Oh, my bad. I meant a stage video of him pretending to take a phone call about how he doesn't have to take phone calls. Imagine being the transmuslim staffer shooting that right. Prime Minister, pick up the phone. Stare at it. Now do nothing. Great. You know what this kind of reminds me of? Well, I just fixed it. And that's why Care Star, you are this week's number one wanker. That's a British word. If you thought the only war going on right now was in Iran, well, there's also a massive burger CEO war happening online. McDonald's started it when their CEO went viral trying the new big arch burger and the poor guy could barely swallow a bite. Then Burger King jumped in and their CEO took a massive bite to outshine or as the kids say on the internet to outmog McDonald's. And so did A&W. So, the internet's now wondering, "What's your move, RB CEO?" And of course, let's be honest, we all know what that move is. It's banging the flaps off a roast beef sandwich cuz they've got the meats. You get it? Get it? And if you don't think that'll make roast beef a new category on Only Fans, you've obviously never spent time on Reddit. And that's not the only news from the fast food industry. Wait until you hear about what a former McDonald's employee was up to this week. He used to work in the drive-thru window and now he's reshaping the Middle East. That's right. This week on the internet, a Qatari S's multi-million dollar nicotine shipment was hijacked. My crack team did some digging and we actually found out who stole it. Except after he tried those India made pouches, he went from Joe Camel to Joe Kimmo. I mean, who doesn't feel sick when using nicotine pouches made from a country whose allnatural, beautiful, clear water looks like this? And this leads me to my last point. This week on the internet, we learned social media is really just a social experiment that got way out of hand. Remember in school how they used to separate kids. You know, you had the honors classes for the Marco Rubio types. You had regular classes for the Mike Johnson's. And then of course you had the class where the teacher spent most of the time teaching the Jasmine Crockett of the world that glue is not to be sniffed. And it worked because not everyone learns the same way. And more importantly, not everyone should have the same size megaphone. But social media came along and said, "What if we took the smart kids, the average kids, and the ding-dongs, and put them all on the same platform?" And that is the internet. We took the brightest minds on the planet and sat them next to people who think whiteness is a disease. Yes, that's real. And the problem isn't that dumb people exist. They always have. The problem is now that they have wifi and an ex account to post stuff like this. >> Did they teach you in Sunday school that Jesus Christ himself was a radical feminist? >> So if we're going to survive, we need to bring back an old concept from school. Not censorship, just a little sorting. Because if every idea like bone smashing, yes, that's a thing, gets treated equally, the retards of the world will start running the group project. And that, my friends, is this week on the internet.

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