what i learned from 10 years of marriage to the love of my life

Today, I'm here to share everything I learned from 10 years of being married, so you can either apply it to your current relationship or a future one and know what to look out for in a partner. I feel that it's very important for me to talk about this because there aren't many good examples being set out there of what a beautiful relationship looks like. And I have been in one for 10 years, a stable, gorgeous, simple marriage. So maybe that's also why I don't feel the need to talk about it a lot. But I'm really happy. What else can I say? But also many people have asked me for this specifically because a lot of you guys are genuinely surprised that I am married, let alone for 10 years. I should really be a dating coach. Everyone in our lives want what we have. They envy our relationship and we know how precious it is because a lot of people don't have it. But we also work hard at it to get to this point. So it wasn't easy. But people are also very jaded right now. I'm seeing a lot of talk about how having a relationship is low-key embarrassing. Causes you to glow down. They harvest your energy. you're better off alone and focusing on yourself. And I understand where a lot of this is coming from because a lot of people have been burned, including myself or have poured into relationships that gave nothing back. So, I'm not here to dismiss that at all, but I do disagree with a couple of caveats. One, you will have your energy harvested if the other person adds nothing to your life. If they're not bringing anything to the table at all, then you're just out here doing charity work. Two, if you're a lover a girl or a lover boy and you don't choose yourself first no matter what, you will suffer. People who lose themselves in relationship and get wrecked lose themselves because they don't even have a stable solid sense of self to begin with. And then three, I also had to find out firsthand what terrible bad relationships look like first before I know how to cherish a good one. So if you've been through the ringer of bad relationships, that's your education. Your time is never wasted. You're just paying tuition. But honestly, if you hate the person that you're with, then maybe that's a sign that it will be better for you to be solo or continue looking for the right person. Because I'm going to tell you, it is very hard to undo resentment. So, one of the comments on my Instagram post recently said, "Having a glow up while getting married is guts here." And I have to agree. It is so important for you to be with the right person because the right partnerships forces you to evolve and level up not just for yourself but for each other. I genuinely wish for my younger self to have more people that I looked up to because I started off completely disregulated thinking that I had all kinds of personality disorders. I had a terrible temper and we started off in our relationship constantly fighting and it really wasn't easy but somehow I came out the other end healed and transformed because in a way we healed each other but of course I did a lot of work too. I'm not dismissing that but having the right person next to you really helps. So if you're new here, my name is May and on this channel we talk about complete transformation of the mind, body, and spirit. If that's what you're here for, hit the subscribe button because we talk about it all the time. Speaking of glowups, in this video I will also have an audit worksheet for you as well as an in-depth guide to all of the points I'm talking about as a digital guide. It's free for you to download and you can download that in the description. So, one of the biggest shifts for me was reconnecting with my body. When I finally felt safe in my relationship, I stopped wanting to punish myself through exercise and started wanting to move in a way that felt good to me, like a real good reset, feel-good moment. So, Nord Pilates has been part of my routine. They're the sponsor of today's video. It's an at home Pilates workout app that's personalized to you, and you don't need any equipment to do it. So, first you take a quiz and it builds a plan based on your level and your goals, then gives you short, low impact sessions that actually feel effective. They have instructions as well and videos showing all of the moves. And you really don't need a lot to do this. It's Matt Pilates. You can even do it in bed. When you're in the middle of their Pilates workouts, you might think, "Oh, this is kind of easy." But I remember how my abs were hurting after day one, and I'm fit, so it low-key challenges you if that's what you want. Plus, you also get helpful extras like meal ideas, recipe inspo, and food trackers, as well as challenges to keep you consistent. This is the kind of app that I love. They make it so easy for you to work on yourself. You can get 83% off your Nord Pilates plan at try.npilates.com/make. npilates.com/may. That discount is only available through my link and you won't find it anywhere else. It's right at the top of my video description. Now, let me tell you the version of me that walked into this marriage because she was a lot. I was literally a storm, like a handful when I first met Pete. We met on a dating app and I didn't think it was going to become anything serious. I don't think he did either because it really didn't start off serious. I thought he was attractive, a little bit dark and mysterious, and he really liked my taste in music. But personally, I was also kind of all over the place. I was swinging between emotional extremes constantly. I had a terrible temper. Like, I seriously thought I had BPD, even though the psychologist I was speaking with at the time didn't really diagnose me. They just thought that I had some symptoms, but they didn't even feel confident enough to give me a diagnosis. However, I do have depression, but the intensity of what I was feeling made me question my own sanity a lot on a regular basis, and I had to accept that I am just in general a very intense person to be around with. That seems to have always been who I am. I don't really have neutral relationships. If we're not a good fit or if we're incompatible, your world is going to be turned upside down. But then on the flip side, I also actually trigger growth for a lot of people, transformation simply from my presence. I don't know, there's just something about me that makes people confront themselves and sometimes realize things that they need to change in their lives. It's almost like I hold up a mirror to them whether anyone had asked for it or not. And if they don't want to take accountability for what they see in that mirror, then they will literally hate me. So, I have lovehate relationships with a lot of people in general. It's hard for anyone to have a neutral opinion about me. But Pete and I have chemistry from the beginning. And he wanted to get serious about us. He wanted me to get better, which meant he also had to stop doing whatever he was doing as well. And he literally wanted to set a good example for me and was the first person who was able to stabilize my mood swings. He didn't tolerate it or enable them, which is super important to me. He held strong boundaries around them while also supporting me through it. And he had to learn how to do it himself, too, because like I said in the beginning, it really wasn't easy. We had to figure it out. But he didn't abandon me. And that distinction eventually ultimately changed my life because the people before him were either matching my energy not in a good way or they left eventually. I also need to be really honest that our issues were not onesided, right? He also has his own issues with jealousy, with trust. He was carrying emotional baggage from past relationships that hurt him. And I had my own jealousy issues too because his last real relationship was with a beautiful Brazilian runway model and they had traveled the world together. But none of that matters today. I also didn't give him any reason to not trust me. I'm a very loyal person. I would never betray him, but he didn't know that at the start of our relationship and his nervous system and his body was still responding to all these old wounds. So, it took a while for both of us to get over our issues. And a lot of people who were watching us at the time, they probably thought that we wouldn't make it because we had some terrible fights, mostly because of me. But ultimately the turning point was I learned a lot from that and he ended up becoming the regulated partner for my dysregulation. So if you're disregulated, it's so important that you also don't find someone who is disregulated unless you guys can grow together. They should not be matching your freak like that because then you will both be disregulated together. And you would destroy everything around you as well as each other. Two people in survival mode cannot build a life together. They can only survive one another until they burn out. On the other hand, it's also your responsibility and your duty to heal. Not just for you, but for your partner, too. If I'm the only one who's disregulated, it's my job to regulate myself and face my own issues. He's here to support me in the process, but he's not here to enable me. It's also not his responsibility to fix me, by the way, but he's here to help. So be so deeply grateful that if you have someone in your life standing by you like that who believes in you even when you're flawed and imperfect. You have to be so thankful because not everyone gets that and the ones who do often times don't even appreciate it until it's gone. There's that Marilyn Monroe quote. He truly helped me through my worst so he deserves me at my best. I also think that's why we got married. I was a completely different person than I am today. I was messed up. I had low self-esteem because I didn't know what he saw in me at the time. And maybe he felt the same way, which is like, why is she with someone who has trust issues and emotional baggage? And we both have our answers for that. By the way, he thinks I'm a genius, that I can succeed in whatever I set my mind to. And he admired that. And I saw his devotion and how much he believed in me and believed in love. And I admire that. He didn't invalidate me in any way. And I knew at the time from having been in previous relationships that this is different. He is really really good to me and he helps me become a better person. That's how I know this is the kind of person I want to marry. And when you meet the right person, do not hesitate because I didn't and I still don't. If you know deep in your heart, in your soul that this person brings out the best in you, even though you yourself don't see your own best, don't let them go. Obviously, be careful of love bombing. And one way to tell that you're being lovebombed is if their actions don't match up with their words and they don't make you feel like how you imagine you should feel. If they say or do a lot of nice things so that you feel like you're chasing constantly after that nice feeling, but you're not actually getting it, that's how you know it's not real. So, here are 10 lessons I learned from being married for 10 years. The simplest days are the best. When you're practicing your love for one another in your own ways, those are the best days. I can seriously care less if he sent me a truckload of roses or buy some bags for me. I really don't care about grand gestures. And that's also how women get manipulated. They think that's love. There are statistics that show the more money you spend on weddings, the more likely it is to be divorced. None of it is really necessary and oftent times can be covering up for real issues that only come up when you strip everything else down. Pete and I were so simple together, so easy. We got married in city hall. Nothing fancy at all. I thrifted the dress that I wore that day and nobody can take our marriage from us because it's not attached to the material world. You notice how sometimes people's relationships fall apart when one of them loses a job or becomes broke or something like that. Yeah, that's not us. Not money, not our looks or even our backgrounds or the things that we have. We didn't marry each other for that. He married me at, in my opinion, my physical worst. Okay. And neither of us had much money at the time. So, it wasn't like we could have a lavish wedding or anything, but we also didn't need it. All we have is we love one another. We don't give up on each other. We help each other get better. And isn't that the best thing ever? Who cares about anything else? When you can have the best when you're making coffee for another without even being asked. When we keep each other comfortable in our own little ways out of love and respect for one another, consideration and regard, and sitting together watching TV in just comfortable silence. Because when you're having a nice time, you don't have to say anything to try and make up for the silence and be performative because what's there to perform. So these simple days are the ones you should be keeping score of. Not the fights, not the did you buy me a rose this week because that's not what our relationship is built on. I remember one time we were in Venice and he bought me roses. And I don't know why I got so mad at him because I was like, you really didn't have to do that and it means nothing to me. In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have gotten so mad. I was kind of mean, honestly. But at the time I still have my anger issues and it was also very sweet of him to do that. But I just didn't want our relationship to start going in that way of like what can you do for me and what can I do for you in return. It's very transactional and constant transaction is the very last thing that I want when it comes to our relationship when it comes to marriage. You have to spend your life with this person. That's why you agreed to. And if there's something about the marriage that can't be reconciled like you have to ask yourself like what's worth it to you. I love the consistency and the mundane devotion. That's the most beautiful part of a marriage. You also marry multiple versions of the same person and that person will be different again in 3 to 5 years. By the way, change is the only constant. If you expect someone's personality to never change, you will suffer because they won't end up like what you expect them to be. Unless they are a fixed sign in astrology, then maybe they will. But seriously though, if you expect your relationship to evolve and grow, then you need to hold space for your partner to grow too. That way, you will also both evolve together and grow together instead of growing apart. I think that's really important because not only do we have to work on ourselves, our identities, but it's also you and them. That's an identity that you both share together. And there are certain aspects of my old self that I had to let go of. I spent years building this identity of like a hyperindependent woman who doesn't need anybody, who has anger issues or whatever. I could just handle everything myself, you know, even though realistically I could use some help here and there, but I wanted to stay in control. and my marriage stripped all of that away because me feeling safe enough in a relationship made it impossible to keep putting up walls like that. I have to confront myself that this independence of mine was a trauma response and coming out of my own hypervigilance. I didn't want to be vulnerable enough for someone to actually hurt me. But I had to feel safe enough to know that he wouldn't hurt me. And even if he did, so what? We can talk about it. Because if you don't feel comfortable enough to talk things through with your partner and talk about anything, then that's kind of a red flag in my opinion. But at least you know that you don't have to put up walls anymore. You can build something together with someone and be a team. Love is also a practice. is not just an emotion and not just affection, but also the constant practice of patience, regulation, showing up as your best self for your better half, teamwork, logistics, being able to handle all kinds of projects and things that happen in our lives, including the good and the bad and showing up for something greater than yourself. And that greater purpose is us, is the marriage. Because the feelings of, you know, crushes and infatuation, none of these things matter in the long run. It just comes and goes. But true love is a practice that carries you through all of the weeks that you feel terrible and the other person will understand that and can hold space for it or better yet help you through it. Good communication is also not saying whatever comes to your mind. So one big thing about our marriage is that he taught me how to communicate better because remember when I said I have really bad anger issues. I said it like a million times but I would say the nastiest things in fights and act out a lot because I didn't know how to show up properly. Like I didn't grow up in a stable household and wasn't shown good examples of how to behave in relationships. Unfortunately, I had to learn all of these things and I'm glad that I learned it from the right person who taught me. Even though he himself also didn't grow up with amazing family either, but he had always known deep down that that's not the way things should be. And you know, he deserve better. I deserve better too. Most people think that having good communication means just being super brutally honest and just say whatever you feel and hash it out. But that is not good communication. But it is a form of emotional dumping. And your partner is not dumping ground. You really got to treat each other like your better halves. And if you don't, then you got to question like why are you together? Like would I talk to my significant other like that so rudely? So good communication in relationship is getting the message across in a way that the other person can understand you and hears you. So learning to say the right things that can still help you solve whatever issues you're going through. There's actually something Pete said to me recently that really made me think a lot actually. He said, "Whenever I say something that's kind of mean or I do something that he doesn't really like and if it's not a big deal, like if it doesn't get in the way of our relationship, he rehearses the conversation in his head. If it doesn't go according to what he thinks it will go, he will drop it." And I asked him, "Baby, why don't you just tell me and we can resolve? We can talk about this." And he said that he assessed the situation if it's going to somehow lead into us having a bad day into a big fight. Then is that tiny little remark that I said really worth bringing up? He can always bringing up later when I'm in a better state of mind. And that's very very mature of him to say that timing the conversation correctly and understanding that the delivery matters as much as what you're saying. You can be right about everything logistically speaking and completely destroy the conversation and ruin your day by how you're saying it. Conflict is also inevitable, but contempt is the poison. In relationships, you're going to fight at some point and that is not the problem. How you fight matters the most. If you have contempt or you build up a quiet state of like hating your partner and you start looking at your partner with disgust instead of with love and compassion, then that is one of the biggest silent killers of marriages. I heard someone tell me this years ago that every time you feel a fight coming on, ask yourself one question. What's more worth it to you right now? Winning or peace? Because even when you fight and you win, you don't actually win. Nobody wins when you fight. You might get the last word. You might prove your point, but ultimately everybody still loses because you've created more distance. Now there's even more resentment and someone's going to bed angry that night and nobody wins. But if you learn how to communicate properly, then everybody wins. And isn't that the best? So be gentle on the communication and tough on the problem. These are two completely different things and it gets confused all the time because instead most people go hard on the person and soft on the issue. You have to flip that. We have to learn to set our ego aside and not try to win all the time because it's not you versus me, it's us versus the problem. The moment you start fighting to win an argument instead of fighting to understand each other, you've already lost before the fight even starts. Everyone has flaws and they have limits. Every single person you will ever be with will have something that annoys you or triggers you or tests your patience. But if it's not egregiously bad, like if it's not abuse or harmful to you or to other people in a way that you're not qualified to help with, or if it's extremely serious, then we can help each other get better. That's the whole point of partnership. You're not looking for someone who's perfect. Nobody's perfect. You're looking for someone whose flaws you can work with and who's willing to work with your flaws, too, so you can help each other evolve. Attraction matures eventually. It is not a loss. You will go from novelty to feeling safe. you start to develop deeper trust in each other. And a lot of people do panic when this happens because they think that the spark is dying. The relationship starting to get boring like the seven-year itch for example, but you didn't lose attraction for your partner. It's simply matured into a more later stage, a stable stage. And a stable marriage comes from staying stable. A lot of us may have gotten used to a lot of drama happening when we were growing up and a lot of intensity and tea and fights. And intensity belongs to temporary infatuation. Intensity is also very up and down and very stressful. And that kind of stress does not belong in a long-term relationship because you would just burn each other out eventually. The deepest love that I felt is not nervousness or butterflies in my stomach, but just knowing deep in my bones that this person is not going anywhere. They're here for me. They will follow me to the ends of the earth. And me as well, I will do the same. And that is more attractive than any rush of novelty. knowing and seeing the level of devotion and how much they care about me and how much I care about them. Like we're not going anywhere from that. Your partner also cannot be everything for you. You cannot have the expectation that they will do everything for you. That kind of expectation will kill your romance. They are not your therapist. They are not a replacement for a butler. They're not your only source of entertainment. They can't be your only source of happiness. Or even worse, your partner should not be your parent. No, they're here to play the role of your partner. So if you have the desire to go out there, live a full life and live your best life to have your friendships, your passions, and your own growth separate from the marriage, that's fine. But all of these things should not be threatening the marriage or the relationship. Instead, it should protect it in the process. It takes courage to stay, but also takes courage to leave. And I say this with so much care and love because some of you need permission to stay in your marriage and fight for it. And some of you also need permission to walk away from a bad relationship. The correct choice depends on one thing. No matter what you're going through, no matter what kind of challenges you're facing, are you moving towards your integrity and values or straying away from it? Staying out of fear is not courageous and leaving out of avoidance is also not brave. But staying because you believe in what you're building and you recognize how good this relationship is, how fulfilling it is for you relative to anything else that you've experienced, how happy it makes you. or you leave because you know that you're not getting what you want that you should be getting something better and you deserve better because the other partner is not giving back to you and you're not happy and they don't care enough to try hard for you. Both of these things are very different and they both require the same level of bravery. There have been many times in the past when we fight and I think about divorce. I talk about divorce but what kept me staying is will I become a better person without this marriage or will me leaving this marriage leave me worse off in the process. I am not saying that I am doomed without him but in a way it's like if I'm letting go of something so beautiful am I betraying myself too? You really have to do that risk analysis for yourself because everybody's relationship is different. But Pete has never given me a real reason to leave and neither have I with him. A long-lasting marriage is also a constant delight. A lot of people fear staying stagnant and stuck in a long-term marriage because we picture it as two people sitting on the couch watching the same show for 40 years with nothing to say and it's boring and they want something more exciting than that. But a longlasting relationship does not have to stagnate at all. Not if you're both committed to being interesting and growing and surprising one another and always bringing something new to the table and you're keeping your curiosity alive. It should all be a constant delight and just having a good time and not a feeling of dread where every day you wish you had something different. And I know a lot of people go through that. I think my marriage is exciting. We can do everything together. We're into the same things. We have the same taste in music and home decor. We love to travel. Like if he doesn't like something that I'm wearing, he tells me that, which I appreciate, but I don't always listen to him. And if he does something that's kind of annoying to me, I make light of it. And when we joke about it, we're always making fun of each other in like an innocent way and not bullying. That also boils down to good communication, right? Like nobody's offended. We're just out here having fun. Like yes, we still fight sometimes, but the good days massively, massively outweighs the very, very few bad days. I can count on one hand every year how many bad days we have. And those days seem to get less and less as we go. And we both know that we have it in our power to give each other more enjoyment and more things to look forward to. Because if it's not a constant delight, that's a problem. And you have to be honest about that. It could also be a you problem and may not necessarily be a marriage problem. Right? If you want a delightful marriage, you should also become someone who's delightful to be around. Also, the person that you're married to should also feel the same way about that. That way, you will be guaranteed a lovely and enjoyable relationship. The last point is to marry your best friend. I know this sounds like a greeting card, so cheesy, but I really mean it at the deepest deepest level. They should be your best friend in the whole wide world, that your soulmate, your twin flame. Like, yeah, you can have your girlfriends or your boys if you're a dude, like your besties, but you spend the most time with your partner. That should be the person that you want to road trip with over everyone else and sit in an emergency room with to commute with, go to shows with, go to the supermarket, whatever, and then follow each other across the universe through every season of your life, through every version of yourselves. That's the entire game of marriage is how are both of you traversing your universe? How you creating your universe together? That's it. That's the whole formula to a simple and beautiful marriage. Oh, also be true to them, obviously. Don't run around and cheat or whatever. And of course, lastly, be grateful for everything that you have and everything that you don't have, including the problems that you don't have. And also be grateful for even the problems that you do have in marriage. Because if it's not a serious issue, then whatever. If it's something small and stupid and silly, then who cares? It's still better than something that's really awful and terrible, which obviously you don't put up with. So yeah, 10 years being together, it's never perfect. It's never effortless. We both put in a lot of work into our relationship, but our love is so deeply real and always refreshing and beautiful. And it also comes when I least expected it. I was not expecting to marry this person in the beginning. So give yourself a chance. Give the people in your life a chance and believe that you will find true love. In fact, comment affirm with me. I will find true love. And don't forget to download the free guide that I made for you guys in the link in description. And thank you to Nor Pilates for sponsoring this video. Thank you all for watching. I will see you in the next video, angels. Bye.

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